Sunday, February 27, 2011

Cultivation

After a big argument with DB, I always wonder what it is that lead up to it. More importantly, what we can both do different to make sure it does not happen again. Despite the best intent on either side, there is always another one. I am beginning to realize lately, that I found in DB potential to be an amazing dad to J and that quality about him drew me to him. As a single mother, my priorities in marriage had changed - I was willing to subordinate what I sought for myself to what my child needed. The marriage was no longer all about me - I knew we would all be miserable if J and the man I married did not get along well. 
DB has surpassed every expectation I had of him as a father and for that I am very grateful. When we first met, I saw in him a kind heart, generosity of spirit, willingness to change anything about himself that would make the relationship better and the ability to accept his failings. The fact that J adored him from the very beginning was only more affirming. We got into this relationship based on attraction,affection and the ability to completely natural with each other. On most days, we do well given that the marriage has all its essential ingredients in place. 
When we argue, it becomes evident that I had never allowed myself to think about what I wanted for myself in the marriage. This is something I am learning every day. Instead of being upset and disappointed, DB suggests that I "cultivate" him to be who I want him to be. That and patience according to him will give me what I want from him. He is kind of person who will work slowly towards his goals - one small step at a time without any visible signs of progress. I on the other hand want everything right now because time is running out.Unless I see big signs of progress and hit milestones  quickly I get frustrated and call it a lost cause. I am beginning to appreciate what Shirley MacLaine once said "There is no such thing as a crash course in serenity"

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