Story of Marriage

I read A Beautiful, Terrible Thing by Jen Waite recently and it made me think hard about the person I had been when I decided to walk out of marriage with a three-month old J. Like Waite, I did things that would sound absolutely absurd to the average person whose life was not imploding. 

Like her, I was surrounded by people who allowed me to behave how I did and even encouraged it; they assumed it was expected of them and that they served a good cause. Instead of a personal catharsis, I had turned my situation into a public restroom where just about anyone could barge in for relief. Unlike Waite, I never got closure on what drove me to do what I did.

Even though I never regretted the decision, it was never possible to articulate "Why?" to others quite as clearly as Waite does in her book. As a result, my decisions ended up looking more like those of a hormonal woman with post-partum depression most likely. Many assume  I made them on account of feeling "entitled" as opposed to what it really was for me- an escape from place where I would otherwise die from suffocation. 

Family and society generally demands a good, solid reason for such ''out of normal range" action in order to remain in your corner and support you. It is asking a lot of people and a person in the situation simply does not recognize how steep a demand they are making. In order to elicit support, the rationale must align with their value system. 

Unlike Waite, I failed to provide an acceptable raison d'etre and left many would be supporters of my cause with more questions than answers. They would not determine if  I had brought my predicament on myself or if I had been the true victim of circumstance who deserved their empathy. Waite on the contrary was able to make a compelling argument that helped her own healing and provided her with the support system.