Settling Debt

A few months ago, some words my father said to me made me cry uncontrollably. Having put time space between the event allowing time to heal, I would say the words themselves were not material. They served to trigger memories I want to leave forgotten. He forced to me re-examine them and deal with the full cycle of pain. I am certain that was not his intent and he does not know how badly I reacted. We did not discuss and moved on to other things after I had calmed down. I felt foolish to begin with having the hysterical reaction that I had - it was like my mental age had been reset of under twelve with a few magic words. It took some effort to claw my way out to the here and now, where I am seen as a stable and dependable person by those who love me. My problem statement that had brought on the episode is well-described in this article:

As a psychological phenomenon, guilt can be frustratingly thorny. For if you’re afflicted with a tyrannical superego—one that feels compelled to come after you for the slightest perceived infraction—you’ll be haunted by such feelings even when you haven’t done anything that would generally be regarded as culpable.

The infraction in question is related to me falling substantially short of my own moral and ethical bar. No harm was done to anyone in the process. At the time of the event, I was about twelve years old and not particularly prescient. But it stayed with me forever. All it took was to share with my mother - which is the good that came out of this episode. In less than five minutes I had the closure that had evaded me until that afternoon I called her to tell her how my father's word made my cry for hours. One could argue that I could have had that conversation with my mother at any time and put myself out of my misery but I think there is a certain karmic debt that a person must settle before the universe gives them the opportunity.