Sunday, March 12, 2006

Strange Detour

P has been on my mind for years. His last words to me came to haunt me much after he spoke them - "I hope you fall in love with someone as difficult as you are. Then you'll know how I feel". I have loved only "difficult" men since and pine for simplicity. I call it the "Curse of P" on my life.

Many times in the last ten years I have longed talk to P one last time to let him know I treasured how he felt about me, that I always wished him happiness he would not have found with me. That I had loved him equally. In some corner of the world, I imagine an older, wiser P surrounded by a loving wife and a couple of kids - the picture of perfect domestic bliss. I know no one more deserving of happiness than he.

Yet, P has vanished without a trace. I hesitate to reach out to him through our batchmates from college. It would embarrass both of us - we were both fiendish about privacy. I have trawled Google time over time but my precious Akoya pearl never surfaces.

Yesterday on a desi matri site I saw a profile with a picture that made me jump out of my skin. It was K - P's very best buddy and by transference my friend. I don't know why I can't believe the dude is divorced. My immediate reaction was a "OMG" meets "Holy Shit!"

Next to Soup my dear friend who mysteriously and disturbingly went out of circulation five years ago, K would be only person I could trust to get me in touch with P. The only way to do that was to respond to his ad and hope he'd accept. Once he knew who I was, he'd know exactly why I had contacted him. I'd not even need to explain. I kept my fingers crossed.

Earlier today I was notified that K had declined. This is the closest I have come to being able to reach P in the last ten years - it was almost like a dream. And like a dream it ended in wakefulness. Maybe I should stop seeking closure with P - maybe some things are best left be. Please, P for old times' sake and for all that we once meant to each other wish for me simplicty.

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