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Showing posts from February, 2011

Cultivation

After a big argument with DB, I always wonder what it is that lead up to it. More importantly, what we can both do different to make sure it does not happen again. Despite the best intent on either side, there is always another one. I am beginning to realize lately, that I found in DB potential to be an amazing dad to J and that quality about him drew me to him. As a single mother, my priorities in marriage had changed - I was willing to subordinate what I sought for myself to what my child needed. The marriage was no longer all about me - I knew we would all be miserable if J and the man I married did not get along well.  DB has surpassed every expectation I had of him as a father and for that I am very grateful. When we first met, I saw in him a kind heart, generosity of spirit, willingness to change anything about himself that would make the relationship better and the ability to accept his failings. The fact that J adored him from the very beginning was only more affirming. We got …

Strong Women

I met my friend M for lunch after three years. M to me, embodies the strength of a woman at its finest. She is exceptionally good at her job while spending an incredible amount of energy in raising her special needs child with a couple of challenging medical problems. She balances all that with being a wife and a daughter-in-law.  Amazingly, she does well at everything. She has a warmth of personality that sets everyone around her at ease. The smile is disarming and she laughs without holding back. Thanks to her efforts, her child is one of the rare success stories and on her way to leading a normal life. Just that is an incredible achievement. Meeting women like M is a very humbling experience. I have had my share of adversities and overcome but compared to what M does everyday, it is nothing.  There is value is being reminded of that - of the difference in order of magnitude of life's challenges, of the true value of what I do have and tend to take for granted. Women like M are al…

Fire Meets Ice

DB's need to plans things to the nth degree drives me crazy. Similarly, my completely random ideas on what we can do at the spur of the moment stress him out. For instance, he will like to plan a three day vacation months in advance with every last detail accounted for - nothing left to chance. I on the other hand will find out on a Thursday, that I have a day off on Monday and will pick a random place in a two to three hundred mile radius and tell him "Let's go there".  In the past, DB has responded to these arbitrary requests with a complete meltdown and I with anger at him for raining on our parade. This weekend has been the first time that fire met ice in a way that magic was made. We were able to take a sudden vacation to a small beach town we had never heard of. We took long walks on the beach as long as the temperature allowed, J and I collected seashells that held potential as jewelry - DB offered help and critique in equal measure. For the first time, J tried…

Lessons From Cupcakes

DB bought me a super soft throw a few days before Valentines Day. He does not care for surprises and is bad at keeping them. I got my gift ahead of time and liked it better that way - the de rigeur lovefest of February 14th is not my thing at all. Now that I had been given a gift for to mark the occasion and the first one since our marriage, I felt compelled to reciprocate.  Knowing that he has a sweet tooth, I had in mind a couple of super fancy cupcakes from a cupcake boutique that is new to our neck of the woods. They are as decadent as they are gorgeous. Apparently everyone else in town was thinking just like I was. I decide to swing by after work, pick up what I liked and head home in time for it to be a surprise. Sadly for me, they had a note posted on their door apologizing for being out of cupcakes. Had I ordered ahead, I could have picked up as many were doing.  For someone who does not believe in Valentines Day or the celebrations that go along with it, I was extremely anxious…

On Doodling

I can't last more than a couple of minutes on a conference call before I reach out for a notebook to doodle. I feel guilty about this habit and always make sure my doodling is  hidden away - I do not want to come across being a slouch. Some of my doodles are pretty enough to be considered artistic but again I am not supposed to be making "art" while at work. It would be hard to explain that doodling actually helps me focus on the discussion instead of becoming completely disengaged - that I am being more productive mentally because of it. Doodlers are generally viewed as disinterested in (or bored with) the activity of the moment not to mention mentally lazy. It was most gratifying for me to read this article on doodling - vindication at last ! The author concludes her case for doodling that would be music to the ears of compulsive doodlers like myself : Like infants and dynamite, the doodle is deceptively simple. A staggering number of scientific, mathematical, and busin…

Speaking On Cue

My friend S has more life experience than most people I know. The story of her life thus far and as it continues to unfold on a daily basis could give any prime time soap opera a run for its money.Talk about truth being stranger than fiction. We were chatting one evening - we both needed a friend to share our thoughts with. S isgoing through hell as she tries to help her severely depressed and unemployed brother get his life back on track. 

I was on that day having challenges with DB even if of a very different order of magnitude. I advised her to do the best she could do as a sibling without jeopardizing her own family life - to determine a timetable in which to affect (if possible) positive changes in his life. Beyond that there was not much else for her to do. She needed to define a tight boundary around her responsibility for her sibling and not allow guilt to keep expanding it constantly. She told me I had given her good advice.
Her insight about what was going on between DB and I …