Saturday, June 29, 2013

Month of June

June has often been a calamitous month for me and so it was this year. For three years since I married DB, I watched him decline in physical and mental health a helpless bystander who speaks a language foreign to him. There was no way I knew to make a connection, say or do something that would spark resonance. Change always seemed right around the corner - I celebrated little victories and hoped to build on them. Yet each time a tidal wave of missteps swept it all away and I was back to chasing the mirage that is to find a common vocabulary with him. 

His problems were overwhelmingly big for me to solve. I chose to run away from them in fear and pray for the best outcome. Then one evening this summer he nearly died. After several days, he came home a man completely unlike the one I had married. I can't remember how many times I looked at our wedding pictures in those days that I was with him in the hospital. The pain was so intense that I could not even feel it after a point. I went through anger, denial and grief over the incident and after all was done turned into a human bot that does what is required without emotion. That has been my coping mechanism of choice for dealing with all that is unresolved, unsolved and hurting in marriage.

A girl I know is getting married tomorrow. Her story is similar to mine in many ways except the child is his from his previous marriage. They look completely invincible in their pictures. In trying to write my note to congratulate her, I could not help thinking of DB and I when we were engaged to be married - we projected a very similar aura. We had both beat some very serious odds and made to where we were in our individual lives. It seemed like together we could only do so much better. That some some Junes ago.