Saturday, September 02, 2006

Rules Of Engagement

Caught up with M after several months. Was interesting conversation as always but one thing she said stood out. She has been dating a guy on and off for several years now. They like each other enough to travel a thousand miles to meet up a few times a year and have like M puts it "crazy sex" for a weekend. Between meetings they keep in touch casually but date other people. Not particularly important but both M and this dude, Ramesh are desi. She is born and raised in Canada, he has lived in the US since he came for grad school. M has been married before, he has not. She is glad to have him around and satisfied with the arrangement they have worked out over time.

He was visiting with her the past weekend and the sex was not what it used to be. To quote M "This weekend, it felt like we were in a bloody relationship. Sunday morning, he said that he felt guilty about taking advantage of me. I was like, dude, I don't feel that way at all. So what's your problem ?" That is precisely the problem, that she is confident enough to indulge in a no end game, no future arrangement that meets her physical needs. She has a vested interest in keeping Ramesh in her life. Because of having him, she is not driven to the edge of despair to extract a commitment from a man with "husband potential".

One would think that would work out well for everyone concerned. A marriage-minded man would meet M, see wife potential in her and love it that she was not desperate and needy like many women in her age and circumstances are supposed to be. They would date for a bit, fall in love, marry have children and live happily ever after. That's in the fairy tales.

In real life, ironically, the same men who are repulsed by women who want them to propose marriage by the end of the third date read M's lack of desperation for a wedding ring as lack of serious intent. As M says "Some of us girls can never get the formula right". She hurts Ramesh's ego by making him feel like he is only as useful as his ability to perform acrobatic feats in bed. He wants her to feel emotionally attached to him - the reason he does not end the "relationship". He has a conquest to make, a point to prove and the spoils of war to take home.

A husband-material wonders how she is not trying a whole lot harder to get him to stay in her life - it hurts his pride too much to be with her. M is an funny, intelligent, successful and attractive woman. Since I knew her when she was still married, I know she is a fabulous hostess and we thought that her ex was lucky to have a wife like her. Yet, after five years of being single again, M is still alone and looking. The illogic of it does not cease to amaze me.


SFGary said...

I know this is politically correct but I'll still say it: kudos to M for confidence in knowing what she wants out of this relationship. However friend Ramesh sounds needy and insecure. On the other hand it would be interesting to get his side of the story.

You seem to have a varied and interesting set of friends...

Heartcrossings said...

SFG - You're right - it would be interesting to know Ramesh's POV. I have only heard about him from M and my opinion is naturally biased in her favor. Yes, I've been fortunate to have varied and interesting friends.