Friday, May 25, 2007

Uneven Balance

I had known Robin for over a year now when she told me that she and her husband had been trying to have a child for eight years now and have all but given up now. She was thirty five and he was forty and they were both smokers who refused to quit. She talked about her husband like a teenager deliriously in love. I don't know a lot of couple married ten years who feel that excited about each other.

One morning she called me to say that she was feeling nauseous and lightheaded and could not possibly drive in to work. My first reaction to that was one of excitement. May she had finally got pregnant. What she described sounded a lot like morning sickness. I had felt exactly that way when I first found out I was expecting J.

I asked if her husband was home to take care of her. "Yes he came back from work" she said but did not sound cheerful at all. "He is working in his office upstairs and won't even know if I died. Imagine, I die right now and he finds out in a couple of days. That won't be pretty will it ?" she added. This took me by complete surprise. As we talked some more, I could tell that she had been crying.

She came back the next day and told us it was a food allergy. I wondered they had both been excited like I had been the previous morning and then got thrown emotionally apart from not being able to deal with disappointment. In a few days, Robin was back to being the infatuated teenager who could not wait to get home to her husband in the evenings.

Some people are incredibly blessed in one relationship of their life and it may obviate the need for several others. In Robin's case, her marriage fulfilled her to the point where there is probably no room or need for a child - her cup runneth over, she already had the sense of completion that a child brings other women.

As I thought about it, I seemed to recall several other couples I know who were deeply in love with each other and childless for years. The babies came along in due season often ten years after their friends had had their last children and long after they had given up on becoming parents. After the euphoria of new parenthood wore off they became just another married couple - the euphoria of the their childless years replaced by a certain staidness.


The Jongleur said...


After reading quite a few of your posts overthe last few months, I cant help but wonder about the cynicism that seems to pervade them. I know ifs your blog and your space on the web and I can "choose not to read it" if I want and all that, but really as a reader who has grown to love your style of expression, I really think it would be nice if your entries sounded a little more positive.

Or is it just me?

Anonymous said...

I agree, positiveness gives to Godly hope and good cheer.
HC its your pen but dont make it a sword.
I request you pick up the phone and answer the call.

Take care

SG said...

I've commented here before, and I really like reading your writing.

This post I could relate to.

My husband and I have what we think is a great relationship and we don't want any kids. I've been trying to understand why my friends were able so easily to make up their minds about having children. Many of them had a child because they needed love.

Our 7-year marriage is still exciting and fresh for me, at times an infatuation and at times a clear, rational love. I do have many problems (with my own family), but my partner makes me feel I can handle anything.

I find it hard to explain that we feel no need for kids.

Heartcrossings said...

Jongleur - Thanks for stopping by ! I let my writing reflect my frame of mind at the time. It may have no direct bearing on the post itself but does impact the tone. You will see "happy" posts too :)

SG - Thanks for sharing. I agree with you that a lot of couples want kids to fill the void in their relationship. They think what is missing will be completed by the child. Often times, the kid becomes common focus and gives the marriage a false sense of completion. I think a relationship should be strong enough to not require a prop even if that be a child.