Monday, June 14, 2010

Taking A Chance

Late one night, a few weeks after our marriage I felt strangely compelled to share with DB things about my past that he did not know in complete, painful detail. Full disclosure in marriage can be like a coin toss. You may get the outcome you desire - come closer than ever and deepen you emotional connection with your partner or begin to sow the seeds of discontent, mistrust and distance.A lot of well meaning people have always told me not to say too much because the consequences can difficult.

When I decided that night I had to tell DB because he was my husband - it did not matter before that he did not know but he had to now so I could be at peace with myself. We talked for hours.The experience was cathartic for me but not entirely devoid of trepidation. The toss had fallen in my favor. Then DB told me his story - vignettes from the past I had heard before came to life in full color. Missing links between years, events and people were connected. From being two dimension, monochromatic sketches our lives became fluid and panoramic.We were able to appreciate the sum total of the  experiences that formed and defined us much better.

We had consciously taken a risk that could have been avoided without needing the omission to weigh on our conscience. Everything consequential we needed to know about  each other we already did before we got married. The painful minutiae of the past was not nearly as material and yet not having shared that made our acceptance of each other incomplete - even flimsy. What a huge difference taking that chance made.