Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Uncoiled Spring

I am enjoying a little time off these days after many vacation-less years. One of the pitfalls of having a clockwork routine for a very long time is that you forget how to unwind, relax and do nothing. It took me several days to learn not to look at the clock and let time ebb as is must without being mindful of its passage. I learned to watched the squirrels and birds in the backyard, consider the beauty of the tree that has a creeper covering its trunk and moss encrusting its bare branches. 
Once spring returns, I will not be able to see this unadorned beauty any more. When the day warms enough, I go out for a four mile walk. My route takes me past a high school and sometimes I see a bunch of kids in the schoolyard - if I happen to be there during their recess. Mostly, everyone is inside in the classrooms. The streets are empty, the traffic is light and I enjoy my solitude and music. My idyll was broken rudely one rainy morning, when I woke up feeling that my life was without purpose.
J is a fairly responsible young lady and requires very little supervision. DB is not a needy husband - he is able to give me as much space as I need and does not interfere with any of my plans. His mantra for this relationship is that I bring happiness to him only when I am happy on my own and he is willing to support any and all of my pursuits of happiness. The definition of "my life" outside my two roles in the family of wife and mother seems to be lacking if not entirely absent. 
So while I have a partner who is urging me to expand my horizons and seek out that which will nourish my soul, I don't know that I know what that may be. I use my work to give me a sense of self - with that missing for now, I was grasping for something else that had comparable weight. It was the "unbearable lightness of being" that I was experiencing. The incessant rain was not helping my spirits either. In lieu of waiting for the sun to pick me up, I reached out to my friend T to see if she wanted to do lunch. 
As I was going to find out, tapping into a source of energy outside myself can have some unexpected consequences.


ggop said...

So now that DB urges you to expand your horizons can we look forward to a lot more blogging from you now? :-)

Or will you take part in NanoWriMo or similar ventures?

Heartcrossings said...

ggop - DB encourages me to do something that will "shock" my system and break the monotony of my single parent years. Take off for a few weeks to a country I've never been before while he holds fort back home. Change my entire wardrobe, learn piano and oil painting, take a vacation with my a couple of my girlfriends and the list goes on :) I feel like someone who has not had a good meal in years being force-fed a banquet - it's a little much for my system right now..