Heartcrossings

In light of our recent challenges with J, DB send me a short note this afternoon : "You are making J feel like she can never make a mistake, you need to prove and demonstrate to her through actions that you will forgive her when she does make a mistake.. her recent behavior is her way of testing a self fulfilling prophecy" That is possibly the best summary of everything that describes the dynamic between J and I. On the one hand I want to be the mother who is always available, is able to walk in her shoes and understand the importance of balance. To that end, her schedule is fairly light, the supervision is on an as needed basis and I never talk down to her or be disrespectful. On the other hand, I do have a high bar in terms of my expectations from her - I want her to be a very genuine person, have the capacity for empathy and be brave.  It turns out that meeting these standards is significantly harder than making good grades. So DB is right that I expect her to be

This was a Mother's Day with difference. J is of the age now when she makes less than judicious choices about what to share with her parents and what to keep to herself. While she does not care too much about fitting in with her peers, she does have the need to have to lead the pack. The way this comes about is not always good for her but the only way she knows right now. It has not helped that the hormones have just started to kick in and boys are starting to become interesting. The combination of forces, have produced some unexpected and unwelcome resultants recently.  So when J asked me like she does every year, what I would like for Mother's Day, I asked for a few things instead of one. Being kind to me - as in not betraying my trust, telling me everything  no matter how unpleasant, unnecessary (in her mind) or disappointing. I also asked that she make an effort to express anger and other negative emotions instead of bottling them all up. We talked about how unexpressed

Vignettes from a day past, the shade of myrtle an unlocked door to darkness at noon The furious wind that husked tall blades of grass. The sun had moved along the western sky The smell of fresh soap mingled in water, before the last time.

Eleven years too late to log this.. I must written this the Feb 2001. Seems like a past life..and in a sense it was. This is meant to be my "return gift" to J for Mother's Day. As every year, she is getting anxious about getting me the perfect gift can't imagine what would be perfect enough. I was getting used to having the magic inside me, the daily wonder, deep emotional stirrings unlike anything I had ever felt before. In the meanwhile a more material business of looking for a new job was at hand. The interview was a little different this time. A recruiter met me for lunch at the Red Bull Steakhouse – the nearest place from my work. And then a couple of phone interviews though the company was local. I was a little surprised. I was made an offer even before I had a chance to see the premises. R and I decided to drive down to the address (which was a seedy part of town) before accepting it. We drove down Smallman Street which is lined with old unused

J got me a gift from her recent field trip - a necklace with a mother of pearl pendant shaped like a turtle. This would be the first time I have got such a gift from J and it felt very special. Small rite of passage in her life and mine. She would likely not remember anything about it in a few years but the turtle has found a home in my jewelry box. To me this is another "first" in her life - the oldest and the fondest memory being the first time she smiled at me. To J, it is just a pretty trinket she picked up at an aquarium gift shop.