Old Ideas

I am naturally curious about Gen Z being the mother of one and also running into them in the workplace. This Atlantic essay about their unique relationship challenges did not feel so unique after all. The vocabulary may have evolved along with the means of communication but the concepts have been around for ever. 

For much of the late 20th century, American dating followed a familiar, linear script, one so entrenched that even pop songs like Meat Loaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” could map intimacy as a baseball diamond, complete with “first base” and “home run.” Today, however, Gen Z has largely rewritten the rules. The base system and its implied sequence of romantic milestones are now viewed by many young people as outdated or even ironic, replaced by a profusion of new terms and scenarios that reflect far more fluid, ambiguous, and individualized approaches to sex, connection, and commitment.

Young adults in Gen Z use a vast vocabulary including “sneaky links,” “zombies,” “breadcrumbing,” “situationships” to describe a wider array of relationships, many of which blur or disregard traditional stages and labels. These shifting social dynamics have both liberated and complicated romance. It’s now just as common for a serious relationship to grow out of a long-distance online bond, or for intimacy to precede any emotional label. The pressure to hit milestones has faded, replaced by encouragement (and sometimes confusion) to move at one’s own pace, whether that means exploring kinks as a teen or remaining a virgin into adulthood.

This new “buffet” of dating and sexual options lets Zoomers chart highly personal paths, but the abundance of choice brings its own stress. Many say they struggle to find guidance, despite the internet offering endless information. Paradoxically, while Gen Z has access to more data about sex and relationships than any previous generation, they often lack the tools or role models to decide what truly feels right or how to communicate about vulnerability and preferences. In navigating this ever-evolving landscape, some fall into patterns of avoidance, performative coolness, or emotional detachment, preferring the safety of casual liaisons or ambiguous “talking stages” over labeled relationships.

Sexual openness can be both freeing and fraught. Gen Z is more likely to embrace “enthusiastic consent” and candidly discuss sexual pleasure, but porn and digital platforms have also shaped new expectations, sometimes pushing boundaries before emotional intimacy is established. At the same time, peer acceptance and the ever-watchful gaze of social media means there’s sometimes more fear around being emotionally vulnerable (like public hand-holding) than around physical intimacy itself. Many Zoomers agree: “Sex is easy, emotional connection is hard,” and there’s a collective ambivalence about exposure, risk, and potential for embarrassment.

Yet, for all the contradictions, one constant remains: the desire to connect and the anxiety that comes with it. Gen Z’s new landscape allows for greater self-directed exploration, but also reveals a generation sorting through loneliness, self-consciousness, and the pressure to seem unbothered. Some ultimately do reject the chill exterior, choosing to pursue connection and clarity even if it means braving the very feelings and risks their cultural script tells them to avoid. In the end, as much as the specifics change, the basic human longing for intimacy, acceptance, and understanding endures.

Some variant of all they are experiencing has existed for ever. Maybe the speed of information exchange compresses the time to decision so significantly that new words are needed to describe what is happening. I would argue for instance the concept of situationshiip is not novel. A couple in an arranged marriage that is mostly loveless and only mildly friendly and the parties are agreed on a don't ask, don't tell policy about extracurricular activities has been around forever and is exactly the same thing. It only had the "benefit" of a socially recognized union that brings certain value to the couple.