Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Precocious Child and the Single Mother

My daughter J does not merely test the rules to see where my break point lies, she also creates new and intriguing challenges. For instance getting positive attention, affirmation, affection and adoration is routine and thus boring. She wants to keel over to the other side - bait me slowly, little by little until my patience is completely worn out. Fan at my anger until the heat turns white hot. Now that is exactly like my Ex.

How I hated being manipulated then and how much more I hate it that this three year old can do just the same - only with more panache. I was furious this evening - I finally lost it. Ended up doing and saying things that I will regret at leisure - J had taken me well beyond breakpoint. That she could do this to me is a failure on my part and I feel duly ashamed.

She is highly intelligent, intuitive and imaginative - her actions are almost always motivated though I'd find it hard for anyone to buy into that. Most likely I'll be called delusional.

I wonder how a victim of an abusive relationship that has since ended can avoid feeling deja vu when seeing traits in the child that are reminiscent of that partner. The very traits that voided the relationship. Isn't anger and pain natural to feel ? But the child is an innocent victim acting on a DNA sequence and no more.

I find myself in this quandary more and more as J grows up, develops an individual personality. There is lot about her that is heart-stroppingly adorable and equally as much that leads to incidents like this evening. While I don't want my bitterness about Ex to cast it's shadow between J and I, I can't obviously exclude from J what she gets from him. God grant me patience !

4 comments:

Priyamvada_K said...

Hi there,
Dealing with the very same challenges. See my blog at
http://priyamanaval.blogspot.com titled "Why do I have to be good?".

Hang in there - you're not alone.

Priyamvada.

Chay said...

Crossings, Choco....and others....
I can't comment on parenthood...have not yet been blessed in that area!! :-)) However, I think I understand....how my mother must have felt. I was a handful alright...and I knew it. But this I can tell you, as a young daughter, I resented my mother the most for being the one that was sensible...and all the playing up stopped one day, when I discovered that I was just like her....what I have now is one of the most beautiful relationships I have ever seen....almost everything I am is because of her. Gosh...now you've gone and made me nostalgic!!
Enjoy your children!!

Priyamvada_K said...

Crossings,
Thanks for commenting on my blog. True, there's a comfort in numbers. I'm especially glad to come across another single mom, who can understand simply because she's there.

Don't know how much ahead of the game I am, but will surely listen if you want to share. Maybe we can share and learn from each other. Last night my daughter woke up at 3 Am, cried and fought with me for a toy I refused her and gave to her friend instead - in her dream!! Telling her I have no control over her dreams didn't help. Spent an hour consoling her saying I'd never, ever be so mean in real life. What to do? :)

Chay - nice to see you here.

Take care,
Priya.

vikasgupta said...

If I were you I would have had the same feelings in this case!

P.S.: A typo: "heart-stroppingly" ; third line in the last paragraph of this post.