Saturday, June 04, 2005

Six Years And Apart

When I was leaving R one of the last things I did was to go over our collection of music - tapes, CDs and mp3 files on our computer. His favorites, my favorites and in our short time together those that came to be our favorites. Sort, sift, keep and leave - an exercise that caused me physical pain. He and I were equally possessive of memories - with his photographic memory forgetfulness came to him a lot harder than it did for me.

I would be lying if I claimed I had altruistic motives when I picked out what I would take with me. I burnt CDs, deleted files after me leaving him with an empty home fully depleted of memories. I left his Kenny Rogers CDs behind. New marriage, home-making, waiting for R to come home for lunch have Lucille as their background score. Strange that I would listen to this song so much as a newly-wed. It almost turned prophetic. R would smile when he walked in the afternoon "You're hooked on that song aren't you ?" Neither of us read omens.

I also left behind his Suman Chattopadhyay(the wannabe Bengali Bob Dylan) CD. My favorite number in that album being "Aaj Janlar Kache Boshe Asche Ek Paakhir Moto Shokal" which loosely translates to "Today by the window sits a bird-like morning" The title does not make any more literal sense in Bengali than it does in English. R told me it was the effect of the words more than their meaning that counted. That seemed far-fetched to me.

However, there was something about it that made my heart leap for joy in the early, exuberant days of our marriage. I often played it after R left for work and I started my day as his wife and was content to be just that for the rest of my life. Six years this June and I will admit R, I sometimes think about what could have been between us. Maybe you do too. I remember the last time we talked you said "You left me no memories. Not a picture, no music - nothing" Someday you will be glad that I did what I did. I was listening to Lucille this morning.


mariasaus said...


It's a poignant and personal Blog..

KR's 'Lucille' brought back memories for me, for entirely
different reasons..nonetheless, they are kind of sad too!

Don't know what I would have left behind, if I had too...

I suppose, one someone becomes 'part of us'..they will be always remain part of matter, what changes..

*If you like country songs (like I do!)..there is beautiful new song by Blake Shelton called "Goodbye time"..I can't seem to get enough of it!

take care,

Scarlett_OHara said...

That was so beautiful and poignant.
No one ever seperates or walks away in entirety...we take what we can, we leave behind what we cannot reclaim...sometimes the memories left behind are better than the memories taken away..

Take care,

ble said...

Some we leave behind, some that stay behind in the past, called memories. no matter how much we erase our foot prints, memories will exist.