Skip to main content

Six Years And Apart

When I was leaving R one of the last things I did was to go over our collection of music - tapes, CDs and mp3 files on our computer. His favorites, my favorites and in our short time together those that came to be our favorites. Sort, sift, keep and leave - an exercise that caused me physical pain. He and I were equally possessive of memories - with his photographic memory forgetfulness came to him a lot harder than it did for me.

I would be lying if I claimed I had altruistic motives when I picked out what I would take with me. I burnt CDs, deleted files after me leaving him with an empty home fully depleted of memories. I left his Kenny Rogers CDs behind. New marriage, home-making, waiting for R to come home for lunch have Lucille as their background score. Strange that I would listen to this song so much as a newly-wed. It almost turned prophetic. R would smile when he walked in the afternoon "You're hooked on that song aren't you ?" Neither of us read omens.

I also left behind his Suman Chattopadhyay(the wannabe Bengali Bob Dylan) CD. My favorite number in that album being "Aaj Janlar Kache Boshe Asche Ek Paakhir Moto Shokal" which loosely translates to "Today by the window sits a bird-like morning" The title does not make any more literal sense in Bengali than it does in English. R told me it was the effect of the words more than their meaning that counted. That seemed far-fetched to me.

However, there was something about it that made my heart leap for joy in the early, exuberant days of our marriage. I often played it after R left for work and I started my day as his wife and was content to be just that for the rest of my life. Six years this June and I will admit R, I sometimes think about what could have been between us. Maybe you do too. I remember the last time we talked you said "You left me no memories. Not a picture, no music - nothing" Someday you will be glad that I did what I did. I was listening to Lucille this morning.

Comments

Scarlett_OHara said…
HC,
That was so beautiful and poignant.
No one ever seperates or walks away in entirety...we take what we can, we leave behind what we cannot reclaim...sometimes the memories left behind are better than the memories taken away..

Take care,
Scarlett
Anonymous said…
Some we leave behind, some that stay behind in the past, called memories. no matter how much we erase our foot prints, memories will exist.

Popular posts from this blog

Part Liberated Woman

An expat desi friend and I were discussing what it means to return to India when you have cobbled together a life in a foreign country no matter how flawed and imperfect. We have both spent over a decade outside India and have kids who were born abroad and have spent very little time back home. Returning "home" is something a lot of new immigrants like L and myself think about. We want very much for that to be an option because a full assimilation into our country of domicile is likely never going to happen. L has visited India more often than I have and has a much better pulse on what's going on there. For me the strongest drag force working against my desire to return home is my experience of life as a woman in India. I neither want to live that suffocatingly sheltered existence myself nor subject J to it. The freedom, independence and safety I have had in here in suburban America was not even something I knew I could expect to have in India. I never knew what it felt t...

Under Advisement

Recently a desi dude who is more acquaintance less friend called to check in on me. Those who have read this blog before might know that such calls tend to make me anxious. Depending on how far back we go, there are sets of FAQs that I brace myself to answer. The trick is to be sufficiently evasive without being downright offensive - a fine balancing act given the provocative nature of questions involved. I look at these calls as opportunities for building patience and tolerance both of which I seriously lack. Basically, they are very desirous of finding out how I am doing in my personal and professional life to be sure that they have me correctly categorized and filed for future reference. The major buckets appear to be loser, struggling, average, arrived, superstar and uncategorizable. My goal needless to say, is to be in the last bucket - the unknown, unquantifiable and therefore uninteresting entity. Their aim is to pull me into something more tangible. So anyways, the dude in ques...

Changing Pace

This blog has been a big part of my life for the last five years. Besides giving me the opportunity to connect with a number of interesting people and share my thoughts and ideas with them, it has been a form of daily meditation for me. No matter what the day threw my way, I made a very deliberate effort to find a little quiet time to write.The process of thinking about what to write and then the act of writing itself worked as an antidote to aggravations big and small. Five and half years ago, when I started Heartcrossings both my personal and professional lives left a lot to be desired for. The only real happiness I had was in being J's mother. While that was often enough to make me forget what I did not have, I sorely needed a third place to call my own and shape in the likeness of my dreams. This blog has been where there were no limits or constraints and that was absolutely exhilarating - it is the reason I have been able to nurture it for as long and as much as I have. A lot ...