J had a wonderful pre-birthday party that my friends organized for me. We are home tired and happy. Everything about today was perfect except one tiny detail. J's best friend R was not there. His absence was not so much the imperfection as what caused it.
R and J attended the same daycare until a week ago. He has since moved to a new place. His mother left me a note in J's cubby with her number and asked that I stay in touch so the kids could remain friends.
I called her a few days later and she asked us over. She asked "Will your husband be coming too ?" and I said "No. I am divorced" She said "I am sorry" in a tone of voice that did not bode well for the future of this relationship.
I took J to their place. The kids had a total blast. R's father avoided me all evening like a respectable man would a hooker. I figured he was making a strong statement to his wife, assuaging her feelings of insecurity. Back in the day, I would have felt insulted and outraged, today I am merely amused. I feel some pity for the couple as well.
R's mother and I had a conversation that made walking through quicksand appear easy. Both of R's parents come from very affluent backgrounds and attended a top tier business school in India. Professionally they are doing well in America too. A combination I had hoped would make them accepting of situations such as mine.
The visiting grandparents gave me withering looks of disapproval. By the time we were done, I knew they as a family had decided not to have anything to do with me and mine. I was offered a cup of tea and dinner as if on sudden after-thought. They shame the Indian tradition of hospitality.
R clung to J and would not let her go when we were ready to leave. "J's Mommy, can J come again tomorrow ?" he implored. I told him "You can come to J's home too. You are welcome any time" He looked longingly at me and J as we got into the car, refusing to go indoors until we were gone from view.
This morning, I called them and asked if R and his mom could swing by for a few minutes because Y was going to cut her Barbie doll cake that my friend D had baked for her. It would mean a lot to her if her best buddy was there to see it. R's father checked with his wife and declined. They live less than two miles away from me.
Today, J had a wonderful day with my friends - all different ages, different ethnicities and backgrounds. It was a group of ten adults one teen and two children besides J. What was striking about the crowd was there were no Indians besides me and J - almost like a token presence.
I have come to the sobering realization that my social circle will exclude my own kind. Reaching out to R's parents is probably the last overture of friendship I will make within my community.
Despite, the steep price I pay as a single parent, immigrant woman of color trying to gain a secure toe-hold in America, on days like this I count my blessings that I am in America and that I have multi-ethnic friend circle that care enough about me to make this a home away from home.
Comments
I have given up on making new friends in the Indian community. By nature, I'm friendly and in the initial naive years, things'd go like this: I would make overtures, people would talk nicely, and our kids would even play together. The conversation would flow nicely. Then my single status would be known, and an awkwardness would follow. From then on they'd avoid. When we run into each other again, they'd go "oh hi, how have you been?" and the fake smiles would be too obvious.
Nowadays I save my energy and make no overtures. I sometimes wish we were in the same town :).
Priya.
I wish we were in the same town too :) J is growing totally bereft of Indian culture and that concerns me sometimes. Other than that I guess life is not too bad.
I see that your experience within the community hasn't been much different from mine. I have been fortunate that I do have a few Indian friends who are able to look past my 'single Dad' status and we remain friends as do our kids.
I share your concern (and sadness) that my son will grow up without much of a knowledge of his own culture other than what I am able to impart to him, but I guess those are the unknown choices that we make when we choose to come to a foreign land.
Ravi
P.S maybe we should create a 'Support group" ..or a rock band ;-) and call it the "Outcasts"
I see that your experience within the community hasn't been much different from mine. I have been fortunate that I do have a few Indian friends who are able to look past my 'single Dad' status and we remain friends as do our kids.
I share your concern (and sadness) that my son will grow up without much of a knowledge of his own culture other than what I am able to impart to him, but I guess those are the unknown choices that we make when we choose to come to a foreign land.
Ravi
P.S maybe we should create a 'Support group" ..or a rock band ;-) and call it the "Outcasts"
The support group idea seems to be a hit :) and it would not be a moment too soon. When I went through my divorce I thought of creating a group for women like me who were not "battered" and did not need the services of a women's shelter but were in serious need of help all the same. Now it seems like the club should not be gender exclusive.
Thanks for stopping by !