Miswanting

I am acquainted with the feeling only too well, just did not know the word that described it - miswanting (Desiring something that one erroneously believes will make one happy)

I have indulged in affective forecasting too - preparing emotionally for a relationship to break up when the signs started to line up. Wanting to depart with grace and without amorphous debris. Yet, time after time ends have taken me by surprise and I wished I had instead etched in memory the beautiful beginnings.

First Day by Christina Rossetti

I wish I could remember the first day,
First hour, first moment of your meeting me;
If bright or dim the season it might be;
Summer or winter for aught I can say.
So, unrecorded did it slip away,
So blind was I to see and to foresee,
So dull to mark the budding of my tree
That would not blossom, yet, for many a May.

If only I could recollect it!  Such
A day of days!  I let it come and go
As traceless as a thaw of bygone snow.
It seemed to mean so little, meant so much!
If only now I could recall that touch,
First touch of hand in hand! - Did one but know!