Friday, October 14, 2005

A Year Later

Every once in a very long while, I organize my bookmarks. Earlier this evening I did and stopped by at Malhar's online album wondering if there any reason to hang on this relic from the past - we broke up exactly a year ago.

Saw some new pictures there. He is married. Nothing remarkable about that. When we met he was more than ready for marriage until he got cold feet at the eleventh hour. Suddenly I was no longer the woman he could not live or breathe without. I was no longer called in the middle of the night because I was missed, or send flowers to "just because".

I was just this "wonderful person" he had met and cherished every moment of our short time together - every last e-mail, phone conversation, the sound of my laughter, the feel of my skin. When we made love, he said he felt loved and wanted like he had not since the early years of dating Shivani - the woman he married later. She was his first love and possibly the deepest ever. I made him feel like he could overcome Shivani, escape the ghosts of the past. Yet I was not "the one".

When you see "the other" you wonder about you - about where you could have been. I look at this woman he is married to wonder how this makes sense. She is not his type and yet in the first flush of happiness that comes with a new marriage they look cute together after a fashion. Malhar has aged so much in the last one year - a very tired, old man. He would often tell me that he needed to be with a woman who could surprise and challenge him everyday. He called me his "Jolt cola" and said just for that I was a keeper. I hope for both of them, that she can be that too.

I realized today, I no longer harbor any resentment or sadness for the way things did or did not turn out between us. When I try to picture myself in this woman's shoes, I see how completely wrong it would have been for me. I also realize why she makes sense for him. She is a very pale, feeble shadow of Shivani - Malhar was never over his first wife and will likely never be. If Shivani was a fire, this woman is a dying ember but she will remind him of her all the same. She is right for him also because she would not question what he is still doing on a Personals site. She would not understand his need to seek Shivani in other women until he is exhausted, until he has worked her out off himself.

Malhar has chosen well. I deleted the bookmark - a small but
a deeply cleansing act.

1 comment:

Priyamvada_K said...

HC,
That was very deep - and poignant.

Priya.