D - Been thinking of you. I guess I miss you.
Me - As much as I like you, I can't spend my life in a cave.
D - Too bad ! Because I like you a lot and not in a platonic way.
Me - I did not mean "like" in the platonic sense either.
D - That's a real tragedy right there.
Me - You could say that again or come live in a house like a real person.
D - Shut up moron ! You know as well as I do that I live in a house.
Me - Mentally you live in a cave.
D - I have no home because I'm alone. The wide world is home.
Me - Get in the "together" state of mind and a home will follow.
D - Wish you were here, baby. We would make love.
Me - That would be very nice. It's a cold day here too.
D - Ah ! To have had a woman like you to marry, love and cherish !
Me - The best things in life demand a significant sacrifice.
D - Wish life were simpler.
D and I have known each other close to a year now and have yet to meet in person. It has not happened because we have asked ourselves the question "What's the point ?" and have found no compelling reason.
A year ago when I said, this is not going to work out, D snapped at me "Don't be daft. You know we'd be fab together. You gotta give us a chance. Don't walk away from a chance of real happiness"
I stayed on unable to resist the lure of real happiness - God knows I have missed that for a very long time. In time, we became close friends but our paths still don't converge. We can't even meet half the way without giving up on what is most fundamental to us. We can talk all day about everything under the sun, I can be my most natural self with D and know he likes it that way. In times of trouble, I have instinctively called him and he has been there for me.
He has a voice to die for - specially when he calls me still sleepy late on Sunday mornings. It can make the heart lurch. I tease him that he looks like a popular Indian actor and he says "I used to hear that a lot ten years ago - but not lately" I like it that he knows I find him physically attractive but does not make a big deal out of it.
Sometimes in life you come approximately close to finding "the one" and you still second guess yourself. You can't believe this could be for real. You seek contrary evidence. You know deep inside if you both rearranged your lives in almost torturous ways - it would bring you together and you would never once regret anything you did to make it work out.
Neither D nor I have done that. We have instead sought the path of lesser resistance and sought out "others" instead of giving in to "the one". Its no surprise then that we keep coming back to each other, tired angry, hurt and unhappy with our experiences elsewhere and wish a magic wand would do for us what we are not willing or perhaps able to do for ourselves.
I never fail to remind J that there is a time and place for everything. It is possibly the line she will remember me by when I am dead and gone given how frequently she hears it. Instead of having her breakfast she will break into a song and dance number from High School Musical well past eight on Monday morning. She will insist that I watch and applaud the performance instead of screaming at her to finish her milk and cereal. Her sense of occasion is seriously lacking but then so is mine. Consider for example, a person walks into the grocery store with the express purpose of buying detergent because they are fresh out of it and laundry is only half way done. However instead of heading straight for detergent, they wander over to the natural foods aisle and go berserk upon finding goat milk on sale for a dollar a gallon. They at once proceed to stock pile so they can turn it to huge quantities home-made feta cheese. That person would be me. It would not concern me in the least that I ha...
Comments
Very true. Especially after one bad experience (if a person married despite parental opposition), the tendency to second-guess becomes second nature.
Hope you and D can work it out.
Priya.