Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Dog Years

D and I met for lunch yesterday after a long time. Hearing about my most recent dating misadventure she commented "You seem to have the knack for meeting the psychoest guys out there. I don't know how you do it".

This is not the first time that someone has observed and commented on my weird magnetism. Unfortunately, no one seems to know the fix for it. My friends tell me that its not me - its them. While they theorize the density of weirdoes is abnormally high online so sooner or later meeting one or more of them is inevitable, everyone acknowledges that my encounters have been one too many for comfort and causes concern .

D has accosted harmless looking desi guys minding their own business and asked if they were "logically and logistically" single and interested in a getting to know yours faithfully. The first time this happened, her husband had watched the drama unfold with growing concern, now he just looks the other way as D goes about trying to set me up on a date with a "normal" desi. She has given up on my ability to find anyone without serious mental health issues.

N, who has generously offered to be my relationship coach a la Hitch and Dr Phil only with the desi touch had suggested the following regimen.

"In medical terms, this is condition is refered to as wackomolitis or creepotitis. I am going to have to suggest that you behenji-fy your wardrobe and start talking with a strong ghati accent to guys you fish on the net. No smart-ass repartees while conversating. And finally and most importantly absolutely no flirting for one week. Practice total abstinence. Report back in a couple of weeks"

He thinks that I cause weirdness to gravitate towards me. The topic of my discussion with D, strictly speaking is not weird, creepy or wacky. He is just a little bit strange, maybe confused. He is on the market, presumably interested in finding someone but has a little impediment in the form of a German Shepherd. He is not able to get on a plane unless the trip is planned a month or two in advance so he has had opportunity to interview a few dog sitters for the job.

Wherever he goes, the dog goes with him. I almost started to hum "Mary had a little lamb" when I heard this. For seven years he has had this dog and that's how long he has been single and looking as well - strange when you read the two facts in the same sentence. He has accepted his situation with a certain dogged determination. At one point , I was close to asking "So what have you decided, will it be the dog or a woman in your life ?" but thought the better of it given how that could be interpreted.

Besides the dog there is another minor issue - college football. He simply has to watch every college football game with no exceptions because he "has this thing for football". I wondered if this overzealous desi who is still working on localizing his accent had not taken cultural assimilation and emulating the American way of life a tad too seriously.


SFGary said...

So why does it have to be a dog or a woman? Or watching college football? if he were weaned away from taking his dog everywhere and toned down his football addiction he would be as "normal" as any local. Give the poor dude another chance. If he's got yet another obsession then you can apply the three strikes rule...

Heartcrossings said...

SFG - Turns out that he makes a mean ground turkey and spinach burrito and what's more eats it every day for dinner. I think the three strikes rule is now in effect :)