Tuesday, April 26, 2005

An Alphabet Jinx

When three bad on-line encounters occur within a month of each other, one seeks a way to help break the jinx. I never indulged in pattern recognition for a pastime until I started to spend an inordinately large portion of my work day with Business Intelligence architect types. The effect rubbed off on me unawares and with disastrous effect. Whoever said a little knowledge is a dangerous thing had envisioned me reaching wanton, unwarranted conclusions unsupported by data or evidence.

I did not have to look too far to find the connection between the three men in question. All had names starting with K. For ease of understanding I will refer to them as K1, K2 and K3 in chronological order of their acquaintance with me. The lesson learnt was obvious. "Move on to the next letter in the alphabet" I would be hard pressed to explain why not "Move backward to the previous letter in the alphabet" instead. It must have been a subliminal thought around progress being about movement forward.

K1 - Articulate by e-mail. Gives me his number asks me to call if I feel comfortable about it. I call and instant deflation occurs in the form of a high pitched squeak from the other end right at "Hello". Intelligent conversation follows, I try to tune out the voice and focus on the content. Proves hard but not impossible. K1 is an opinionated individual. I have no problem with that having plenty of my own. K1 seeks to supplant all other opinion to further the cause of his own. I compliment him on something he expressed very well in one of his e-mails. He responds "You have obviously not met any articulate men in your life if that impressed you as much as you say it did" I am dumb-founded. I decide to pass. He mails me later in the day saying he enjoyed our conversation, I reply "Likewise" and there ends the matter.

K2 - Like the picture he has on his profile. There is a carefree abandon about him that strikes a chord. Nice smile too. We e-mail some. No sparks fly. The man earns his daily bread, takes self-improvement lessons as in attending a part-time MBA program and tries to keep fit as time permits. I have no issues with that heuristic. Asks for my number. K2 passes the "Hello" barrier with flying colors. Terrific voice ! Decide to meet for the de rigueur coffee. The man that greets me resembles his picture like I resemble Greta Garbo. Must be a neat Photoshop trick I figure. The conversation is bland like infant food gone cold. He holds up my hand to look at the ring on my finger. He proceeds to tell me about his last serious relationship breakup specifics included. I am counting sheep as I sip the bottomless cup of coffee. I get an e-mail from him about a month later "I lost touch with you somehow. Wanted to say Hello". I have no suitable comeback to this one.

K3 - At the time of meeting K3, I had not yet wised up to the dread "K-factor" or I would have desisted. Requests me to call him in his opening e-mail. The profile was quite exhaustive plus he was located in the vicinity so there was not much to be gained from e-mail-stalling. I call. Voice is okay, conversation is going, going, gone deep south. I am willing to bail right away. K3 has lots to unburden. I am being his therapist for free and under duress. I know all about his unsatisfactory sex life when he was married, that he attended a top tier engineering school in India, a second tier grad school in the US, owns a house, lost some major green in the stock market crash, is currently suffering from hemorrhoids. I am pummeled by randomly unsavory information for an hour before I can slide in my "I have to let you go now" through his word torrent. He e-mails me constantly for weeks until one day he stops.

After K3, it would have taken the courage of Attila the Hun to pursue another K prospect. Being that I don't have so much as a speck of Mongolian blood in me, I moved a few letters up the alphabet instead. It feels a lot safer around here.


FunnyCide said...

Lol!! HC, thats hilarious! [not laughing at your situation, but the description of the blogs]..

I hear you though! Reminded me of a lot of my dating disasters.. like this guy who kept saying [every few minutes] 'please ask me questions or I will forget telling you what I prepared for'.. I felt like my stern second grade english teacher with spelling book in hand!! :D

Going Bollywood style the next letter should be G.. K3G :P [though I dont like what G stands for hence pass!!]

Rashmi Bansal said...


asuph said...

lol@funny's K3G comment

well, all i've got to say about G is:

Gham-e-duniyaa bhi gham-e-yaar me shaamil kar lo


buckwaasur said...

lol hc...that was hilarious...hemorrhoids had me rotfl...:-)))

funny, lol @ k3g...:-))

Heartcrossings said...

funnycide - that was awesome about the cliff notes to meet your date. HILARIOUS !!

buck - I promise more dating misadventure stories in days to come. stay tuned :-)

Fizo said...

That was quite a read HC...delightful...could understand your frustrations...so you are anti-K unlike Ekta Kapoor and Rakesh Roshan eh?

SeaSwallowMe said...

LOL, crossings. the hemorrhoid-dude takes the cake :))

Heartcrossings said...

SSM et Buck - go on laugh some more at my misery :-) Now you know why K3 put the fear of K's in my heart.

bleu said...

I am being his therapist for free and under duress. lol

i don't know why you decided to put up? Was his story at least interesting enough to make a blog story? ;)

Heartcrossings said...

bleuhue - Given the topics that were covered, I have to admit he had an interesting even if somewhat R rated story. He saved on the therapist fees though. May actually blog that story one of these days :-)

Chay said...

Uff HC...
that was ROTFL hilarious!!
K3 deffy wins this round!!
Ufff..hemorrhoids and all!! Poor poor Crossings!!! Now imagine if you were a doctor how terrible(r) this might have become!!

Lollz @ Funny's date's notes!!

Heartcrossings said...

Chay - thanks for pointing out to the silver lining :-) Very glad I'm not a doctor !

Vikas Gupta said...

This was very witty and humorous!

You wear your heart on your sleeve Ms Malkhani!

I think how amused all these men will be if they really read it and discover it is about them!

On second thoughts I think they'll not be amused because if they had any sense of humour they would have been different men and not K1, K2 or K3!:)

Anonymous said...

I am new to your blog but am really enjoying reading your posts..just wanted to say hello and comment you on your excellent writing skills; on the edge reading one could say!
What a wonderfully humorous post..Great stuff HC, you had me in stitches.
Anyway, take care, God bless and be well.