Monday, January 08, 2007

Desi Matri Ad Phraseology

Though not nearly as succint as the inspiration for this article but here goes. While it my not be immediately evident, there are some common themes ( I describe only two here) that run through the slew of ads on desi matrimonial sites. Many of these belong to married men out there to have some fun or separated men who have no idea if or when they will get a divorce. Some are really as they claim single and looking. Irrespective of their marital status, they borrow from a common lexicon to describe who they are and what they seek.

Theme 1 : The woman they seek

What they say : She should be modern and at the same time respect traditional values or Must be westernized but believe in our Indian values

What they mean : Should be able to shake some serious booty while on a night on the town but must like Cinderella at the stroke of the midnight hour turn into the ideal Indian bahu cast in the mould of Sooraj Barjatya heroines. Nothing less will fly with Mommie dearest described as the "best Mom in the whole world" in the "My Family" section of the profile.

What they say : She should like to explore and learn something new or be fun, professional and adventurous or seeking to share “cool” moments with someone energetic and open-minded or looking forward to meet someone with whom I have chemistry and we click on various levels to start a long-term relationship and enjoy the thrills that go with it – holidays, romance, and fun of course

What they mean : The importance of being fun, adventurous and spontaneous in bed cannot be overemphasized. She should be willing to give anal sex a shot with lube of course and shed any and all inhibitions in the spirit of learning something new. After all she needs to realize that she is in competition with thousands of other younger women, tighter women who are eager to travel the distance. This is also known as the great desi male fantasy based on their mostly imaginary sexual prowess. Some phraseology of particular note and interest :"open-minded", "energetic", "click at various levels", "fun".

What they say : In case you have come out of a relationship then please ensure that you are totally over your ex and prepared to move on with life or please do not bring any baggage from your past and be ready to move on

What they mean : I don't want to hear about what an asshole your ex was. I feel a sense of kinship with the desi brotherhood. If he acted like a jerk you must have done something to trigger that kind of behavior. Bad mouthing your ex is the best way to lose my attention and interest so don't even try. If you tell me that you had some great times together I'm going to have to ask to go back to where you were so happy. Why are you wasting my time ? As for me, I will whine, rave and rant about my ex until the cows come home simply because I need to work her out of my system.

Theme 2: Who they are

What they say : I am easy-going, honest, caring, and intelligent or ambitious, dreamy, enthusiastic, introverted or professionally successful but don't let my career rule my life or I work hard and play even harder or spontaneous, good hearted, confident or have a great outlook on life, ambitious, passionate, kind and generous or I am suave, sophisticated and intelligent. Even after living in the US for 10 years I still remember my Indian roots.

What they mean : What else do you need to hear to so feel its okay to sleep with me in short order ? I am your Mills and Boons hero come to life only I am desi like you to make it picture perfect. I am trying to think of all the things that my ex-wife, girlfriend accused me of not having - the bi-polar bitch had no idea what she was talking about.

I am suffering from a major identity crisis even without being an ABCD. My career is non-existent and I the next time I get laid off, I am going to take my side business of screening Bollywood flicks at the local theater on the road. The desi grocery store gig is super-saturated.

I am "caring" in that I care tremendously about making sure that I fully check out the offerings in the matrimonial market and get the best deal. And no way, I am signing up for the long-haul without kicking the tires first, once bitten twice shy and all that. I will live-in for a few years if that's what it takes for me to figure out you are wrong for me.

What they say : I enjoy wining, dining, and meeting new people or I am adventurous and will try anything at least once or I love to travel, explore different cultures, have an ear for music, like finer things in life or I have a sense of adventure and am not afraid to try new things or I have traveled to Texas, Kansas, Missouri, California, Maine, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Virginia, Connecticut, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Florida, New York, and many countries in Europe and Asia.

What they mean : For the uninitiated these lines result in the impression that desi males have adventuring in their DNA like they were cloned from Macro Polo. In truth, these are filler words used to reach the minimum word count required for the profile to be published successfully. Technically it is possible to substitute all of that baloney with honest to goodness truth which is :

"I am an average bloke with no passion or hobbies outside following Indian cricket news online, catching the latest Bollywood flicks ( I tried the Netflix thing and still have a membership), managing my investments and trying to stay employed and debt free in these difficult times. I hang out at the Indian buffet on the weekends and volunteer at the temple to pass the time. "

"I have no plan for my future. I would have gone back to India in a heartbeat but women don't want to marry men who will not stay in the States. Finally I count the layovers at Charles De Gaulle and Heathrow on my annual pilgrimages to India as visits to Paris and London. My friends have not covered as many states in the US as I have. And by the way pit stops count"


ggop123 said...

I know you are covering posts by married or separated men. But the trad+modern thing is the ideal soulmate for single guys for more than a decade - or maybe when I was in the market. Don't you think most Indian guys want the trad+modern type of girl?

The last bit sums up many single guys too. My sister is finding it so tough to find a connection with any guy. People criticize her to readjust her expectations or remind that she is no Urvashi/Rambha herself.

Perhaps this validates her claims about slim pickings.. :)


Heartcrossings said...

gg - Its true that the traditional+ modern combo is the desi man's ideal wife. The problem these days is that they have gone to extremes and started to seek the impossible.

They want the old fshioned Bollywood vamp and heroine rolled into one who can switch between those identities depending on the situation at hand. Makes me wonder they are looking for schizophrenic women.

Anonymous said...


Doesnt look like those profiles are anywhere close to taking the plunge. They are so all over the place. ... I am sure they wud find it funny themselves couple of years later when they are real serious about marriage.

Or they are doing a quick "once-over" of the US field before they head to india to get hitched.


Heartcrossings said...

Sharda - Sure they are nowhere close to taking the plunge. With bride hunting gone high tech and online, men act like kids in a candy store. They want to try everything and bawl when told they can only take one home.

Unfortunately, going home to pick a pre-screened bride is getting harder these days. Those women are online too and have plenty to choose from. Plus, in the big cities the call centers are attracting young foreigners who want to work there and travel around India. These guys are highly sought after from what I have heard.

Finally, there is the legal situation. Back in the day H4 wives could get sponsored for H1 within weeks of arriving in the US. Not any more. A lot of women don't want to come here knowing fully well that they will become housewives. They expect to do better than that. The green cards can't realistically marry anyone who is not already in the country. The citizens are terrified of marrying anyone who could stand to benefit from their legal status - so the girl from back home is completely ruled out.

cheti said...

HC !

I cant help but repeat what i say usualy : there is too much negativity and cynicism - masked as humour ! I wonder if it really helps !