Friday, May 07, 2010

Being Free

It starts with seeing a face, a certain light of smile and a tenor of voice that speaks of an inexplicable, unknown connection. It is an attraction strong enough to overcome that inner voice of caution that urges you to resist, to desist. You feel it the first time and every time.This is a charge that does not fade over time, it only grows stronger. This person is not your type in more ways than you can count. It is the relationship you get into fully prepared to be hurt and also know it will lead absolutely nowhere.

And yet, against your better judgment you allow your heart and soul into it, sometime rushing headlong in a state of euphoria or slowly, dreamlike almost unaware of what is happening to you. The magic lasts for a while and then suddenly the spell is broken, you begin to hurt past the threshold of pain. Your preparedness for disappointment is not nearly enough for what comes when the end comes as it inevitably must. You remain in denial as you try to cope, regain the life you had before you met this person. You ask yourself why you allowed this to happen knowing fully well such would be the consequences.

You want to gouge out the best and worst memories of your time together because echoing emptiness is better than searing pain. It is your debt of karma that must be paid. You suffer until there is nothing left to burn and turn to ash. One day you realize your atonement is over and you are finally free. You see that face again and this time that charge is simply not there. The same tilt in a smile and a tenor of voice but it no longer resonates with you. That is when you know you are truly over.

You can sit down and have a coffee together, chat about life and work, shake hands and leave promising to catch up another time fully knowing you never will - there will be no urge to do so. When you walk out on the street and see their form melting into the crowds, and feel no stab of pain in your heart, you know that you are free at last. You can feel the wind in your hair, notice the wildflowers eeking out a life in the cracks of the sidewalk - you know what it is to feel alive again - specially when you have no debts left to pay.


rakhi said...

Absolutely correct and achingly beautiful! Thank you for putting in words something that I've been feeling for the last year or so. :)
Came here through Desipundit and now will read your blog through my google reader. Best.

rakhi said...

Just wanted to add something to the previous comment - the lesson of freedom needs to be learnt anew, each time with each such undeniable attraction that one feels. At least that is how it seems to be to me, because the attraction is not exactly the same with two different people; the heights of joy and depths of pain are not the same. And that difference demands a different way on the path of reconciliation with the disappointment you saw coming even before you started.