Sunday, March 07, 2010

Forgiveness In Dream


Last night, I had a dream about P again. Months and sometimes years go by between dreams and each time I think this will be the last time. I see him sitting in a crowded public place - perhaps an airport departure lounge. He is talking to someone (I seem to know this person) and when I look at P, his face lights up with a big smile - a smile I would recognize anywhere, it is what had the power to brighten the saddest day - it is still just as radiant.

P is a shadow of his former self. He looks worn out. As he walks over to me, I notice he  limping a little. I ask him about it and he mentions a recent injury. I ask him why his face looks like he is in pain and he says it is a tooth and the medication is starting to wear off. I notice he is wearing a ring with a bright green stone - P was never the kind of guy who would wear any kind of jewelry except perhaps a wedding band. I don't ask him about it.

He takes me somewhere that looks like a residential area in a big city. There are tall buildings everywhere. He hands me a bowl of food and asks me to eat - he tells me that he has cooked it himself. The food is lovely -  it reminds me of prasad you eat at a temple after prayers have been offered. We talk about a lot different things but the past does not come up. We appear to be trying friendship - something we had never done before.

From the time P and I had first met as teenagers, it had been a romantic interest. He struggled for years to articulate his feelings and I waited for the day when he would be ready. I want to see the food as a peace offering - P's way of undoing what he had meant when he said nearly fifteen years ago - "I hope you fall in love with someone just as difficult as you are and then you'll know how much I have hurt". It is not as if I had not hurt along with him but I did not say it.

Then the dream is over and always I am no closer to closure than I was so many years ago. I still don't know if I have been forgiven. I wake up and pray for P to be happy where ever he is and for him to be at peace with himself and me.

5 comments:

Captain Nemo said...

Loose ends make life miserable. This hit me like a sledgehammer...

Delusional Complex said...

I too can relate to what are saying. I agree with Captain Nemo above, "Loose ends make life miserable"

tearsndreams said...

can identify with everything you feel. Except that I am still waiting for forgiveness and breaking free from the curse.
Even in a dream :)

Anonymous said...

See "Vinnai Thaandi Varuvaaya" , recent tamil movie. It is a beautiful movie about love. Something similar to yours. .....it has a bit sad and disturbing end.

Rahul said...

I will tell you about a dream tat I have often...In a rainy afternoon I meet "M" near the railway track...She looks just as young as she looked when she was 16..we walk down the country roads just beside the railway track...with me carrying an umbrella..<< black one>>....when suddenly she stops and says tommorow I will be leaving this town through these railway tracks..so my request is the last time we meet we shouldnt look back......next I see is I saw he moving away fast in the station..boarding a train and never looked back....and I found myself standing there looking for her as if for ever....then the dream is over and I come back to reality................