Last night, I had a dream about P again. Months and sometimes years go by between dreams and each time I think this will be the last time. I see him sitting in a crowded public place - perhaps an airport departure lounge. He is talking to someone (I seem to know this person) and when I look at P, his face lights up with a big smile - a smile I would recognize anywhere, it is what had the power to brighten the saddest day - it is still just as radiant.
P is a shadow of his former self. He looks worn out. As he walks over to me, I notice he limping a little. I ask him about it and he mentions a recent injury. I ask him why his face looks like he is in pain and he says it is a tooth and the medication is starting to wear off. I notice he is wearing a ring with a bright green stone - P was never the kind of guy who would wear any kind of jewelry except perhaps a wedding band. I don't ask him about it.
He takes me somewhere that looks like a residential area in a big city. There are tall buildings everywhere. He hands me a bowl of food and asks me to eat - he tells me that he has cooked it himself. The food is lovely - it reminds me of prasad you eat at a temple after prayers have been offered. We talk about a lot different things but the past does not come up. We appear to be trying friendship - something we had never done before.
From the time P and I had first met as teenagers, it had been a romantic interest. He struggled for years to articulate his feelings and I waited for the day when he would be ready. I want to see the food as a peace offering - P's way of undoing what he had meant when he said nearly fifteen years ago - "I hope you fall in love with someone just as difficult as you are and then you'll know how much I have hurt". It is not as if I had not hurt along with him but I did not say it.
Then the dream is over and always I am no closer to closure than I was so many years ago. I still don't know if I have been forgiven. I wake up and pray for P to be happy where ever he is and for him to be at peace with himself and me.
P is a shadow of his former self. He looks worn out. As he walks over to me, I notice he limping a little. I ask him about it and he mentions a recent injury. I ask him why his face looks like he is in pain and he says it is a tooth and the medication is starting to wear off. I notice he is wearing a ring with a bright green stone - P was never the kind of guy who would wear any kind of jewelry except perhaps a wedding band. I don't ask him about it.
He takes me somewhere that looks like a residential area in a big city. There are tall buildings everywhere. He hands me a bowl of food and asks me to eat - he tells me that he has cooked it himself. The food is lovely - it reminds me of prasad you eat at a temple after prayers have been offered. We talk about a lot different things but the past does not come up. We appear to be trying friendship - something we had never done before.
From the time P and I had first met as teenagers, it had been a romantic interest. He struggled for years to articulate his feelings and I waited for the day when he would be ready. I want to see the food as a peace offering - P's way of undoing what he had meant when he said nearly fifteen years ago - "I hope you fall in love with someone just as difficult as you are and then you'll know how much I have hurt". It is not as if I had not hurt along with him but I did not say it.
Then the dream is over and always I am no closer to closure than I was so many years ago. I still don't know if I have been forgiven. I wake up and pray for P to be happy where ever he is and for him to be at peace with himself and me.
Comments
Even in a dream :)