"Mommy am I a boy ?" asked J one night as she was getting ready to sleep. Of all questions I have been asked before this was the most intriguing. J the alarmingly over-acclaimed would-be-heartbreaker-Lalique-doll-like-perfect-beauty and a boy ? "Did anyone say that you were a boy ?" I ask
"No" she replies "Then why do you think you are a boy ?" I am now completely befuddled. "Because I play only with boys" she says as if the conclusions thereof are fairly obvious. "And why do you do that ?" I persist knowing to proceed very gently now that we seem to be getting to the heart of the matter. " Because girls don't want to play with me and boys do" she says with a tinge of sadness in her voice.
I don't know exactly how to tackle that issue and try address her concern about being a boy instead "J, are you a boy or a girl ?" She takes a while to think through that before deciding "Girl". Even before I can second that opinion she adds "But girls don't play with me, so I am a boy"
This conversation with J was proceeding like my typical work day where I have to deal with highly technical types who segue from one incomprehensible issue to the other. To estimate the size of the latest snafu, I tell them to dummy that down for me and stop where one thing ends, allow me to absorb it and then go on to the next thing.
Only J is not going to able to de-link. In fact her inability do so was exactly the problem at hand. "J you are a girl. If other girls don't play with you it does not make you a boy." I allow that to sink before proceeding. " I like playing with the boys and they want to play with me too" she says. "Even then you are a girl. Who you play with does not matter" I explain.
I can see she is having a very hard time understanding that. She is the age when Mommy is omniscient so she believes me against her better judgment. I ask her if I can talk to Ms W and Ms K to ask the girls to play with her. J nods her eager assent.
"Tommy told me this morning, he doesn't like me" she says as I tuck her in. So we're not done with the days battles yet. This is not a question. It is a problem statement. I have to think very hard to come up with a suitable rejoinder for J in face of such full frontal assault.
" You should tell him, 'Well, Tommy that's your problem' when he says that. Remember to give him a big smile too" I tell her. She bursts into laughter when I tell her we will practice that now.
I am Tommy and up the ante some "J, I think you are really yucky. I don't want to play with you" She replies "Well, that's your problem" and cackles so hard that I have to tell her "J, I said smile not laugh like a hyena" She's all about more role play and laughing like a hyena and soon falls asleep tired and happy.
An expat desi friend and I were discussing what it means to return to India when you have cobbled together a life in a foreign country no matter how flawed and imperfect. We have both spent over a decade outside India and have kids who were born abroad and have spent very little time back home. Returning "home" is something a lot of new immigrants like L and myself think about. We want very much for that to be an option because a full assimilation into our country of domicile is likely never going to happen. L has visited India more often than I have and has a much better pulse on what's going on there. For me the strongest drag force working against my desire to return home is my experience of life as a woman in India. I neither want to live that suffocatingly sheltered existence myself nor subject J to it. The freedom, independence and safety I have had in here in suburban America was not even something I knew I could expect to have in India. I never knew what it felt t
Comments
i guess the effort should come out of everyone to have general yet interesting conversations, and its easier not to take that effort and blame "typical behavior" for huddling syndromes.
A bunch of dudes in living-room drink and all were discussing a leveraged buy-out.
Self, instead of staying with babes-in-kitchen walked over casually and what is worse opined on the conversation. The silence was absolute. Thus chastised, self retired hurt.
Is that a stereotype by chance ?
I definitely think that there is this assumption that "living room rights" belong to the said group--and the perception of "female knowledge on living room topics" is minimal. nevertheless, I believe its the lack of such volunteered opinions that cause the silence. And i truly believe that if intelligent, most guys are willing to discuss topics with women if they "talk sense". Thats that for the intelligent folk. Herz the other side of the coin--those guys arent many out there. Most guys havent had the wife/gf opine much in "party discussions" and would rather live with a boorish and ego-ridden opinion of women's opinions.
At best, such volunteered opinions work great to seperate the intelligent fellers from the ego-maniacal ones. And same applies to women i sppose, the ones who give you a dirty look for talking "shop" are the ones you would rather stay away from, and the ones who slowly reveal their own experiences and thoughts, even if have to be pushed a bit, are the ones to stick to.
process of elimnation of the unlike minded either way?
I was in a similar situation twice, where I had to reason stuff out with kids...and your Only J is not going to able to de-link. In fact her inability do so was exactly the problem at hand. pretty much hits the nail square on its head. Although I'm not much of a 'kids-person', on both occasions, I found the thinking-from-their-perspective really gratifying...
Not only is it irritating, it is pathetic too. I think both men and women [esp in desi circles] should take a step towards gender free discussions at parties. ex: politics, philosophy, home improvement etc etc. Football games and jewellery discussions should be conducted in similar interest groups thus sparing the rest from the torture.
This was ROTFL...as much as I am grinning at J and J's mom, and pondering the environments, stereotyping, sexuality and ramifications and such serious stuff, I cannot go past the thought that you are a great mom!!
What most parents would have tackled with urgent, fearful impositions of their own beliefs, I have noticed you actually communicate...and allow her think for herself...that is the greatest gift a child can get...independence...:-)) u remind me of my mom!! :-))
she will make a fine young lass and we will be proud of you both!! :-)))