Skip to main content

On The Subject Of J

When J was just a few months old, I would wait for her to fall asleep before I made a comment about her perfect eye lashes to my mother. She is the only person I would make such a comment to. I have always been circumspect of anything I may have to say on the topic of J fearing I will not be objective being blinded by a mother's love. It is only when an outsider reaches an independent conclusion that I feel vindicated.

That said, I have a problem with a surfeit of positive affirmation that is all over J. She has been told to her face that she is "exquisite", "beautiful", "doll-like" and possessed of "perfect features" among a lot else. While she may still be ignorant of most of those adjectives (thank God for that), she sure gets the drift.

One morning I actually requested Ms K and Ms W at her day care to refrain from gushing over her appearance constantly. They seem to be in perfect agreement with me that J is posed with the risk of turning into a one-dimensional bimbette. I figure I have put the fear of God in them and go to work a very smug and complacent person indeed.

When I arrive to pick her up in the evening, Ms W tells me with a conspiratorial smile "You mark my words, your little J will grow up to be a heart-breaker. She is so beautiful already!" At the time of speaking J is playing hide and seek with two cute little boys entirely oblivious of the future that is being predicted for her.

I am almost about to remind Ms W about the conversation we had not so many hours ago but decide against it. I may in the end get Ms W to desist but I have no control over strangers in grocery stores, my friends, my would-be drinking buddy S (would-be because we have been talking about hitting the neighborhood ale-house "one of these Fridays" for weeks trending months without acting on it. But that is a whole another story), the librarian, my co-worker who upon meeting J and could not stop rhapsodizing over her "perfect beauty" for a good ten minutes. Give me a break, people. The child is only three years and something !

She got back to work and made haste to spread the word on my poor little J like the proverbial wildfire. Before I knew it I was flooded by demands to either bring her into work or show them pictures of her. Thankfully J did not have to weather the maelstrom of praise, "oohs", "aahs" and "wows" that accompanied the viewing of J's online album. Not once did anyone see it fit to compliment the photographer on a job well done. I have to admit that I was a tad hurt by that.

J puts me in a terrible quandary when she looks in the mirror and asks innocently "Mommy am I looking pretty ?" In other circumstances I would have said "Of course you are, child" and left it at that. With so much public brouhaha on the topic to contend with I have to append that. "Remember to be thankful to God for making you the way he did. Being beautiful is not an accomplishment, so never take pride in it. You have to be a good human being first. Physical beauty can fade very quickly if you don't have a beautiful heart" J is busy playing with my makeup and has completely tuned out my disclaimer/addendum. It is like I had never even said it. Talk of wasted words. That was quite a few wasted.

In my head I replay what I just said to a three year old and pity myself for having completely taken leave of my senses. Did I really think she would understand ? An over-zealous single-mother trying to build positive self-image in a girl-child is a tough act in the best case scenario. Mine is the case straight from hell. I know the road ahead will be long and arduous.

Labels:

Comments

Arpana Sanjay said…
Photographers are never given any credit....so complains my hubby and so complains Chay as well!!

Enjoy the moments Crossings....Coz you are so right. The difficult task of instilling the right self image is one that you will work at for the rest of your years. possibly even when she has little Js of her own...:-)) But she will be fine. Just trust that she is learning much even as she watches you and your confidence.

SSM...spoken like a truly proud papa!! :-)))
10:57 PM
Priyamvada_K said…
Hi Crossings,
"Photographer" may not get credit, but mom may get credit (for passing on some genes - for beauty and/or brains :).

I too dislike this beauty culture, and discourage Kamala from collecting Barbies. But people end up giving those to her as gifts anyway :(.

I guess we just need to keep reinforcing that ultimately, character and accomplishments matter more than beauty.

Priya.
10:06 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Part Liberated Woman

An expat desi friend and I were discussing what it means to return to India when you have cobbled together a life in a foreign country no matter how flawed and imperfect. We have both spent over a decade outside India and have kids who were born abroad and have spent very little time back home. Returning "home" is something a lot of new immigrants like L and myself think about. We want very much for that to be an option because a full assimilation into our country of domicile is likely never going to happen. L has visited India more often than I have and has a much better pulse on what's going on there. For me the strongest drag force working against my desire to return home is my experience of life as a woman in India. I neither want to live that suffocatingly sheltered existence myself nor subject J to it. The freedom, independence and safety I have had in here in suburban America was not even something I knew I could expect to have in India. I never knew what it felt t
111 comments
Read more

Cheese Making

I never fail to remind J that there is a time and place for everything. It is possibly the line she will remember me by when I am dead and gone given how frequently she hears it. Instead of having her breakfast she will break into a song and dance number from High School Musical well past eight on Monday morning. She will insist that I watch and applaud the performance instead of screaming at her to finish her milk and cereal. Her sense of occasion is seriously lacking but then so is mine. Consider for example, a person walks into the grocery store with the express purpose of buying detergent because they are fresh out of it and laundry is only half way done. However instead of heading straight for detergent, they wander over to the natural foods aisle and go berserk upon finding goat milk on sale for a dollar a gallon. They at once proceed to stock pile so they can turn it to huge quantities home-made feta cheese. That person would be me. It would not concern me in the least that I ha
5 comments
Read more

Under Advisement

Recently a desi dude who is more acquaintance less friend called to check in on me. Those who have read this blog before might know that such calls tend to make me anxious. Depending on how far back we go, there are sets of FAQs that I brace myself to answer. The trick is to be sufficiently evasive without being downright offensive - a fine balancing act given the provocative nature of questions involved. I look at these calls as opportunities for building patience and tolerance both of which I seriously lack. Basically, they are very desirous of finding out how I am doing in my personal and professional life to be sure that they have me correctly categorized and filed for future reference. The major buckets appear to be loser, struggling, average, arrived, superstar and uncategorizable. My goal needless to say, is to be in the last bucket - the unknown, unquantifiable and therefore uninteresting entity. Their aim is to pull me into something more tangible. So anyways, the dude in ques
6 comments
Read more