Remembering Old Lessons

Sitting by the poolside at the Y, watching J's swim lesson progress I remembered by uncle who is close to seventy now. To many in the family he was the model dad like most of the others were not. No matter how long the work day, he always made time for the kids; helped with their homework, read to them, introduced them to new ideas and played with them.

Their home was full of educational toys, encyclopedias and books - my own home had very little of any of that and I loved to visit them so I would dive into the rich treasure trove. My two cousins were bright and talented kids and everything seemed to be on track for them to grow up to become happy, well adjusted and successful adults.

Yet something was not right about this picture. My uncle was an overzealous parent who would not waste even a minute of time he spent with the kids if he could coax in a mini lesson. They were on a rich educational and extra-curicullar enrichment diet almost from birth. As they grew older, the kids grew distant from the father who had put so much effort into shaping their future. They didn't make the best grades in class, they abandoned the violin and music lessons without remorse, hung out with what their father called "riff-raff"

My older cousin is about to turn forty and lives with his parents. He is sporadically employed but the paycheck does not support his extravagant lifestyle. His sister will turn thirty next month. She has drifted in and out of several masters programs in the last ten years and now does nothing at all. On an ordinary day you see the two of them lounging around the house in shabby old clothes and unkempt hair because they don't care about external appearances. They will retire to their rooms if there are visitors because they can't make polite conversation. My uncle is a very tired and defeated old man who is aging rapidly.

My mother once said "He tried too hard. Sometimes children just want to be silly, have fun and not learn a damn thing. As a parent you need to give them room to be free to just be" Any time I find myself becoming an over-zealous parent trying to squeeze in twenty four hours in the two that I have left in the evening, I remind myself to let go and let J do all things mindless that make her happy and be carefree like God wanted all children to me.

There is a lifetime to teach and learn but childhood is fleeting and what memory could be more precious than that of a time of complete, unbridled freedom to while the time away doing nothing. My uncle gave his kids gifts richer than gold and diamonds when all they needed was a bit of mud to make pies with. J came running to me dripping wet and happy. The lesson was over. She knows and I know that the swim lesson is all about no endgame fun.