Skip to main content

Doing More

John was a geek twenty years ago until he took a break for few years to be a professional violinist playing at concerts around the world. He taught music lessons and wrote occasionally for a couple of music journals. Now he is back in the IT business again as a freelance organization development consultant. Given his background, he brings a very interesting perspective and is always eager to mentor. He has found a devoted mentee in me.

Sometimes, during lunch we chat about life outside work. He and his wife seem to live a quietly fulfilling life. She sounds like the kind of woman who can both inspire and support a man to achieve amazing things in life - just as John has. I often talk about J and he loves to listen. He often asks "So what's the latest with J ? What has she been up to ?". He tells me I should bring her to work one day because "She sounds like a really interesting kid".

I showed him some pictures of J, I had on my computer today. The first reaction I get from most people who see J's pictures is along the lines of "She's a perfect beauty" or "She's absolutely gorgeous" or some variation thereof. John commented "She has such bright eyes. She is very beautiful almost in a spiritual way". Then he added "You know, she is the kind of child you want to devote your entire life to, give everything you have to give. There is that look about her. You are very blessed "

When I see J, I see a good, loving child who has brought me nothing but joy from the time she was a spark of life in my womb. She gives me strength on the bleakest days. There is a serenity about her that I often find myself drawing from. When someone says she is the cutest little doll, I don't know if they are taking about J because I find it hard to see her the way she is at the surface.

I always thought I was obsessive about being a mother because she is all I have - J gives meaning to my life. I am frantic about giving her more - nothing I do feels enough. That it takes so absurdly little to make her happy, fills me with guilt - I wonder why she does not expect or want more. She is deeply grateful for whatever little I manage to do for her. Maybe that is the look John saw in her picture. Maybe I will never feel like I have done all that could do for her.

There was a sad irony in what John said too. A perfect stranger old enough to be her grandfather was able to sense all that about my child and yet her own father has not seen her since she was three months old. He was able to start life over like marriage and fatherhood had never happened. J's face must not have inspired him to give everything and more.

Comments

Priyamvada_K said…
"That it takes so absurdly little to make her happy, fills me with guilt - I wonder why she does not expect or want more. She is deeply grateful for whatever little I manage to do for her. Maybe that is the look John saw in her picture. Maybe I will never feel like I have done all that could do for her."


Dear HC,
Most children are happy with what they have - and it does take very little to make them happy.

Call it one of the gifts of childhood: a shared story, some time in the park, dinner - these things are enough to make them happy.

It is adults who keep thinking about what we lack, or how we can have it 'better' etc....What to do :)? So no need to feel guilty. J is just being a happy child, so enjoy her.

Also, I hear you on the "being obsessive about being a mother because J is all I have - she gives meaning to my life".

I have tried to steer clear of this, even though Kamala is a child I had waited/longed for - for 8+ years. But we as single women dealing with life (IMHO) may not want to peg our child as the anchor around which everything revolves. Sure, we absolutely would do anything for the child - that goes without saying for **any** parent who loves their child.

What I am talking about is something different, though. I have seen this with many single parents - notably those who are sole custodians of the child with no visitation with the other parent:

The parent's identity fuses with that of the child. Child becomes parent's world - the focal point of parent's life - to the exclusion of everything/everyone else. In time, this situation turns the child into the parent's emotional anchor, helping the parent navigate the ups and downs of life. This role is IMO more suitable for an adult - and something a growing child may not be equipped to handle. Chidren deserve our love and protection, and should under no circumstances view themselves in the role of our protector.

Sorry for that long-winded note of caution. Just sharing something I have seen/honestly-feel.

Don't feel guilty about not doing enough. You're a great mom who is doing a lot, and the fact that J is a happy child is testimony for it.

Take care,
Priya.
Unknown said…
Thanks for the gentle reminder, Priya. I agree it is never good for a child to feel they are responsible for the parent.

J insists on having the last word on things that matter to her. I guess that keeps her safe from having her identity merging with mine :)

As for me, napping with her on a Saturday afternoon is what recharges me for the week. I guess children have a lot of positive energy that can revive you when you are down.

Popular posts from this blog

Part Liberated Woman

An expat desi friend and I were discussing what it means to return to India when you have cobbled together a life in a foreign country no matter how flawed and imperfect. We have both spent over a decade outside India and have kids who were born abroad and have spent very little time back home. Returning "home" is something a lot of new immigrants like L and myself think about. We want very much for that to be an option because a full assimilation into our country of domicile is likely never going to happen. L has visited India more often than I have and has a much better pulse on what's going on there. For me the strongest drag force working against my desire to return home is my experience of life as a woman in India. I neither want to live that suffocatingly sheltered existence myself nor subject J to it. The freedom, independence and safety I have had in here in suburban America was not even something I knew I could expect to have in India. I never knew what it felt t...

Under Advisement

Recently a desi dude who is more acquaintance less friend called to check in on me. Those who have read this blog before might know that such calls tend to make me anxious. Depending on how far back we go, there are sets of FAQs that I brace myself to answer. The trick is to be sufficiently evasive without being downright offensive - a fine balancing act given the provocative nature of questions involved. I look at these calls as opportunities for building patience and tolerance both of which I seriously lack. Basically, they are very desirous of finding out how I am doing in my personal and professional life to be sure that they have me correctly categorized and filed for future reference. The major buckets appear to be loser, struggling, average, arrived, superstar and uncategorizable. My goal needless to say, is to be in the last bucket - the unknown, unquantifiable and therefore uninteresting entity. Their aim is to pull me into something more tangible. So anyways, the dude in ques...

Carefree Wandering

There are these lines in Paul Cohelo's Alchemist that I love about the shepherd turning a year later to sell wool and being unsure if he would meet the girl there But in his heart he knew that it did matter. And he knew that shepherds, like seamen and like traveling salesmen, always found a town where there was someone who could make them forget the joys of carefree wandering. What is true of the the power of love and making a person want to settle is also true of  finding purpose in life. If and when a person is able to connect their work to purpose they care about, the desire for change disappears. They are able to instead channel that energy into enhancing the quality of the work they are already doing. As I write this, I remember S a brand manager I used to know a couple of decades ago. He worked for a company that made products for senior citizens, I was a consultant there. S was responsible for creating awareness of their new products and building awareness of what already ex...