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Parenting and Partners

Of the four parenting styles this paper refers to, I likely fit the third one which is described thusly:

Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. "They monitor and impart clear standards for their children's conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62).

What I have learned from observing other parents and looking inward, is appearance and reality can be far apart. Most of us may wish to be authoritative but the temperament of the kid/s we are raising will greatly challenge our ability to live up to this ideal. When there are multiple children in the family, adjusting style to fit the needs of each one will end up confusing all of the kids and enable bad behavior and breed resentment along the way. 

Kids like to see parents are treating them in like and fair manner - they lack the sophistication to understand the value of a bespoke parenting style even if it is meant to serve them best. This is the hardest thing to balance for a parent. Under the pressure created by the needs of very different kids, the parenting style devolves into a hybrid that serves all of them somewhat well but none of them exceptionally. 

There is also the theory that parenting style is a direct reflection of personality which can impact the relationship of the parents in ways that they had never anticipated until kids became part of their family unit and raising them a bellwether for their own relationship.

It is said that an uncompromising and autocratic parent (perhaps even the ones that is trying to be authoritative and failing to do so) is likely to be the controlling partner in the relationship. Whereas, the lenient, permissive parent is likely to be indifferent to the needs and concerns of their partner or remain non-assertive on important issues that impact the family. 

So in a situation where both parents are trying to do the right thing  by being "both demanding and responsive.", depending on how far the fail to meet the mark, they would end up very far apart. One would land on the indulgent end of the spectrum and the other would turn authoritarian in an subconscious effort to restore balance. This is probably the worst of all possible worlds for all concerned. 

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