Skip to main content

Staying Afloat

Watching this movie All I See Is You gave me a lot to think about. In the absence of truly magical grade love or earth-shattering chemistry (some people are blessed to have both) in marriage, the system is held in place by the opposing forces of power and control. The party with the greater power generally cedes a bit of control to keep the forces in balance, create parity. The controller must in turn relinquish there desire for increased power (money, social status, business and family connections etc could all be sources of power) to retain their controller-ship (being the key decision-maker in the family - the PTA parent, the one that decides where the next vacation will be, which relatives are welcome home and which ones are not, who is invited to the backyard BBQ, curfew rules for kids and so on are all about control of the family unit). 

In the movie, it would be easy to see the husband as a villain - he will stop at nothing to keep his wife disabled and dependent on him. If he cannot stand her being free can he claim to even love her. The fact is, these truths would have never been known if she did not regain her sight. The marriage would have felt perfect with none of the flaws coming to light. An older couple I know has an arrangement very similar  - no one is disabled but each has mutilated the other until they are both handicapped. 

The man was socially inept to begin with but his wife has pushed his feeling of insecurity over it to the point he feels he cannot open his mouth without first clearing things with her or their place in society would be destroyed. In return, he has convinced her that she is so technically challenged that even browsing the internet could compromise their only desktop computer irreparably.He refuses to get wifi because that could give her access to the world on their shared cellphone. She is not considered capable of using a smartphone either - for anything apart from answering calls. She has never texted anyone in her life and she is only in her mid 60s. 

This is the give and take the couple has worked out to keep their marriage afloat. They do take vacations together and maintain an active social life. To the casual observer very little if any issues in their relationship will be evident. Maybe they even love each other in a way that makes sense for them but they cannot exist in a marriage without the balance they have created for themselves. My theory is if the woman gets on the internet freely and without limitation, this marriage will be over in short order. Regaining sight as the character played by Blake Lively does is a much bigger deal.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Part Liberated Woman

An expat desi friend and I were discussing what it means to return to India when you have cobbled together a life in a foreign country no matter how flawed and imperfect. We have both spent over a decade outside India and have kids who were born abroad and have spent very little time back home. Returning "home" is something a lot of new immigrants like L and myself think about. We want very much for that to be an option because a full assimilation into our country of domicile is likely never going to happen. L has visited India more often than I have and has a much better pulse on what's going on there. For me the strongest drag force working against my desire to return home is my experience of life as a woman in India. I neither want to live that suffocatingly sheltered existence myself nor subject J to it. The freedom, independence and safety I have had in here in suburban America was not even something I knew I could expect to have in India. I never knew what it felt t...

Under Advisement

Recently a desi dude who is more acquaintance less friend called to check in on me. Those who have read this blog before might know that such calls tend to make me anxious. Depending on how far back we go, there are sets of FAQs that I brace myself to answer. The trick is to be sufficiently evasive without being downright offensive - a fine balancing act given the provocative nature of questions involved. I look at these calls as opportunities for building patience and tolerance both of which I seriously lack. Basically, they are very desirous of finding out how I am doing in my personal and professional life to be sure that they have me correctly categorized and filed for future reference. The major buckets appear to be loser, struggling, average, arrived, superstar and uncategorizable. My goal needless to say, is to be in the last bucket - the unknown, unquantifiable and therefore uninteresting entity. Their aim is to pull me into something more tangible. So anyways, the dude in ques...

Changing Pace

This blog has been a big part of my life for the last five years. Besides giving me the opportunity to connect with a number of interesting people and share my thoughts and ideas with them, it has been a form of daily meditation for me. No matter what the day threw my way, I made a very deliberate effort to find a little quiet time to write.The process of thinking about what to write and then the act of writing itself worked as an antidote to aggravations big and small. Five and half years ago, when I started Heartcrossings both my personal and professional lives left a lot to be desired for. The only real happiness I had was in being J's mother. While that was often enough to make me forget what I did not have, I sorely needed a third place to call my own and shape in the likeness of my dreams. This blog has been where there were no limits or constraints and that was absolutely exhilarating - it is the reason I have been able to nurture it for as long and as much as I have. A lot ...