Being Father

J has grown up without a father and the for the most part seems to have survived it. The deep inner wounds are harder to see but I am sure that they exist. When the differences between the adults reaches a point where one parent decides to opt-out entirely in order to escape doing their already difficult job in a hostile environment, it is a cop-out that hurts the child. The kid wants that parent to have tried harder, fought longer just to prove that they mattered enough to do so. Irrespective of the conditions, having given up signals to the child they were not worth going to war over. And each person deals differently with that understanding. Their response also evolves over time as they see more of the world, more damaged families and peers who had it far worse. 

Notwithstanding, the role of a father in a kid's life can leave a void - where the father was present in name only and did not play the part he should have. A complete absence is probably a little better than that as it does not bring about a death by thousand cuts of disappointment. 

Unlike the traditional role of a mother with a large number of constant and mundane touch-points, a father has a different scope and influence in a kid's life as this female divorce lawyer representing men's rights points out. It is the things learned from example, the life skills that were taught through real-time problem solving and the confidence that came from watching him take charge and lead in crisis. 

This is not to say a mother cannot do all of that but in a two parent household, a natural balance is created based on what each parent can do best. It is heart-warming to see a father do for other kids what his own father did not do for him.