Finding Likeness

As much as we fear becoming our mother, it is almost inevitable that we will. I strive to be all that I admire and respect about my mother but do not want any of her unlikable qualities. Life does not work quite so programmatically as it turns out. You don't get most of the best and are stuck with a fair bit of what you greatly dread. That is the mix in my case. 

One of the ways that manifests itself is my relationship with women outside my professional life. Without the context of work, the equation is entirely social and personal. That is an area where my challenges are most pronounced. Women it seems like to first understand where I stand on the friendship scale before they decide to deepen their engagement with me. It seems like I may be void of modulation, inexpressive and even unfeeling in ways. So if a friend bails out on me for coffee or lunch half a dozen times, I am not offended when she asks if I am available for the seventh time. I will agree to meet her at the appointed place and time. Within reason, I will work my schedule around to do so. 

This is not because I am particularly anxious to see her but that I don't see any reason why I should not. Her cancelling on me six time prior is not a big deal because I had not been inconvenienced any of those times. I was only going to drive ten minutes to be there and my calendar had been open to begin with. The fact that I don't feel the need to express frustration or disappointment at their actions much less feel any such thing makes me a strange friend to have from their point of view.  

And in that sense I remind me of my mother - maybe like her, I cannot get that emotionally close where such actions start to register on me and matter. I look at it very logically and logistically. I suffered no losses so why should I be upset with them. The only saving grace is that there are a few people in my life who can make me pretty sad just being late to return my call or reply to a message.