I would remiss as desi with an affliction for blogging not to weigh in on Indian Matchmaking. Where do I begin? This is one of those productions where truth is uncomfortably close to reality TV to make the experience particularly cringe-worthy. I likened it to be seen popping a big pimple on Zoom during a company all-hands meeting. No matter where you exist on the food chain that is not the best day of your professional life. Similarly, no matter what kind of desi you are there is no hiding from the zingers delivered by Sima Taparia, the match-maker de-jeur. Her services include consults with face-readers, astrologers and life-coaches. The palm-reader was missing as was the priest who offers an assortment of remedies by way of prayers, fasts and amulets for long-suffering single people to be delivered from their misery.
On average, the social milieu that the show traverses is way more upscale than my own so I have no direct or relatable experience with that level of bling and other forms of material excess. Where on occasion the average person pops up (like the character of Vyasar and the women he was being matched) things start to be more within the realm of my own life experience.
The theme that stood out the most of for was the systematic emasculation and emotional stunting of grown-up people by their desi parents. No one seems to think this might be inhumanity being dressed as "Indian culture". Women on the brink of forty being stymied on the relationship track by a disapproving parent who basically tells them what they can and cannot do and even more tragically tell them how to think. I know this to be true from my own experience and observation of desi life from near and afar.
The next concept of note that was repeated ad nauseum is one that I was familiar with since childhood. Marriage is about adjustment and compromise. At some level it might make sense but think about the dichotomy it creates in the mind of a young person (a female) who is being raised by liberated, equal opportunity, forward thinking parents to believe that she should never ever consider herself less than any male. And then when she attains marriageable age, they flip the script on her overnight and start talking about adjustment and compromise.
When this happened to me, I processed the data points logically as is my wont. Every marriage I had seen around me until that time was a desi one and none of them looked like one I wanted to get into. There was not one couple that inspired me as a role model of how to be good together in marriage. If anything I wondered what prevented them from going their separate ways. The best case scenario was one in which the parties were civil to each other and leaving each other be - that was the most I could aspire for. That begged the question what exactly I needed marriage for if that meant a life time of low grade disappointment and inability to express myself as a person. This in return for unending compromise and adjustment. I simply failed to see the benefit given the cost. The few couples I knew who had met and married on their own without input or consent from the families seemed to have a better handle on their relationship, they seemed to be able to manage without running to their respective mothers all the time. These were the lucky few who managed to get hitched before family could take over and "settle" them into the marriage of families not individuals.
I believed then and I still do that there is nothing inherently wrong with match-making once the business is cleaned of all its clutter. At that point, it is no different than meeting a person on Bumble or Tinder. Instead of an putting an algorithm in charge of your destiny you employ a well paid human consultant to offer bespoke services. I would never knock on an arranged marriage - it is just another form of brokerage nothing more. The process demands participation from the family which is also not a bad thing- more people to help you see your blind-spots. That is not where the problem lies. Instead it is about the emotional incapacitation of adult children to the point they are unable to make decisions about their life partner. To the extent that the show highlights this fatal flaw in the desi arranged marriage system, it is a success. Hopefully as that pimple was popped for the world to see, we desis saw it too.
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