This mother speaks for many a parent out there I am sure. J was not able to come home for the holidays and as much as I missed her, I am glad she is staying safe and taking care of herself the best she can. My friends with grown up kids that did come home had to navigate a lot of landmines and at the cost of diminishing their overall standing with said kids. There is now a line between making them feel welcome at home, showing appreciation for them taking the time to do that and being scared for one's own safety. Being that adult child is not easy either - filial obligation is not easy to execute in the middle of the pandemic as this author explains:
I began to realize that the pandemic has just offered up a crisis most unloved daughters will face at some time, albeit a version on steroids and in public view: What to do if a toxic or hurtful mother becomes ill or infirm? I wrote about it some years ago in a piece called “The Crisis of the Ailing Toxic Mother: Caretake or Run?”
Seeing that this particular crisis is one you probably would have had to confront—even without this life-altering pandemic—may provide some needed clarity. The answers to the ailing but toxic mother question, not surprisingly, echo those in an unprecedented pandemic. I’m neither a psychologist nor a therapist, but the real question, buried deep in the soul, is this: “What if I am wrong? What if this is the moment she realizes she loved me all along?” The hope for a maternal epiphany dies a slow death. I have faced that question down myself.
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