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Heart Berries

Reading Heart Berries has been a magical experience. I love how Terese Marie Malihot plays with words. It evokes the feeling of turning out baked goods where the magic happens mostly unseen but the feeling permeates the experience from start to finish. On falling in love, Malihot says:

I wondered if maybe falling in love looked like a crisis to an observer.. Falling in love felt fluid. It snowed when we fell in love, Everything reminded me of warm milk. Everything seemed less real. I thought my cup was overflowing. I found myself caressing my own face..

And that is only one of the many luminous lines in this book. Of the idea of self-esteem, she makes an interesting observation for instance:

I think self-esteem is a white invention to separate one person from the another. It asks people to assess their value and implies that people have worth. It seems like identity capitalism

On forgiveness she says: I think it is dangerous to let go of a transgression when the transgressor is not contrite

In a time of deep distress she speaks of her inability to connect with her since deceased mother: I have tried not to call her my mother. I have started to believe that a person cannot own land or a family member. It is hard to get inside another person's feeling of dispossession but these lines came close for me, my lack of connection to a land, country or home that I can truly call my own. Using the word my to prefix any of those words feels like a lie. As we grow older our relationship with parents can indeed morph to a point where owing them as "my" is riddled with feelings of anxiety because ownership mandates the presence of deeper feelings that we may be unable to muster. So we could feel that ownership is undeserved. 

This is a short book and worth staying with to the end. Her story is incredibly sad and most of us could be grateful for having lived far easier lives. Yet the beauty of her words transcends and gives voice to feelings we have experienced. My need for keeping things tidy can aggravate people around me. I do this more when I feel out of sorts or alone. Malihot describes it this way: I cleaned the room several times, and it became lonelier and each speck was wiped clean.

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