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Letting Go

Recently, I had a particularly intense conversation with my father that left me feeling about as helpless as a child. At his age, and given the times, he wants to make sure he has thought through inheritance issues. Working through the logistics is where the problems begin. It seems like he wants the facts of my life to fit the easy option for him. When they don't, he starts to reject any information I provide and then becomes angry and resentful towards me. Every step of my life which has been a deviation from the norm is a source of disappointment and aggravation for him. There is an exuberant abundance of these "deviant" steps in my life so he is perpetually dissatisfied. 

While I am too old to worry about not living up to his ideal version of my life,  other things upset me deeply. I see him unwilling to do his part despite having the luxury of unlimited time and very little to do. He has been retired close to twenty years now, I am very far from that life stage. He is physically and mentally capable of doing a lot of what he is asking me to do. As the conversation grew tense and angry, I found myself telling him it is impossible to talk with him - not just because he is old now, it was no different forty years ago. There is truth to that - my father is someone who is not able hear others. He was not a good listener and age did not make it better. He is also deeply pessimistic and has been planning for the end of his life for as long as I can remember. Reading this article on the value of forgiving your parents gave me much to think about. 

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