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Being Mother

This will be the third year J has been away from home and in college. Overall, I have learned to live in my empty nest and made peace with seeing her only occasionally. My dear friend L who passed away this spring used to tell me about the time her only son immigrated and how the pain of separation took decades to fully wear out. This was over thirty years ago, they wrote letters back and forth, life got busier as the son's family and responsibilities grew. They also went through a period of estrangement but thankfully the last decade before she passed there was peace and they stayed in regular touch. L's point was that one's only child becoming an adult and leaving home can involve greater distances than you are prepared for. This stage of a parent's life has many joys and rewards - I recognize them. 

When I observe other parents in the same situation as me, it seems like some of us were better prepared for the reality of our children's adulthood than others. I might be one of those that was not as ready as I should have been. One of my friends with kids in their 20s tells me that the job of parenting is never done, it just morphs over the years. Sometimes her 26 year old needs to be coached and mentored but what she does not need is control and protection. When in doubt, I ask my friends who have been through this phase, see if I can learn from their example. Notwithstanding all the efforts to do right by J and be the kind of mother she enjoys having in her life, there are days I slip. Reading this article about estrangement between parent and child got me thinking about my life experience as a parent and as a child. 

However they arrive at estrangement, parents and adult children seem to be looking at the past and present through very different eyes. Estranged parents often tell me that their adult child is rewriting the history of their childhood, accusing them of things they didn’t do, and/or failing to acknowledge the ways in which the parent demonstrated their love and commitment. Adult children frequently say the parent is gaslighting them by not acknowledging the harm they caused or are still causing, failing to respect their boundaries, and/or being unwilling to accept the adult child’s requirements for a healthy relationship.

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