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Lavender Smell

One Friday on our way back from our usual post-dinner walk, I wanted to stop for ice-cream at a store we pass by all the time. It had been a long week and I had spent days worrying about my mother's health, not being able to accept that might be declining and there is no way to turn the clock back. The Wildberry Lavender ice-cream produced a soothing effect that I might connect to stress relief. This was my first time at the store and the flavor. As we walked back home I wondered what about the ice-cream made it so perfect for my downcast mood. Childhood memories of my mother include Lavender Dew talcum powder which was a her summer staple. 

I realized I am mentally preparing to lose her maybe well before it is time to do so(or  at least I hope that is the case) and creating some mosaic of memories to latch on to. Maybe there is a part of me that imagines by preparing and being ready, I can somehow move that day further out. There has to be smells, tastes, sounds and places that are imbued with her to make this possible and that is what I am striving to do. Yet to imagine there will be a time when I cannot hear her voice again when I call her is a truth I cannot accept. 

I turn over vignettes from my childhood like an infinite deck of cards, many spilling over and falling into chaos. I want to recall that instance of relief when the taste of the ice-cream hit my senses. It makes me want to make things right while I still can and I have no idea what that means or takes. How will I know that I have made right, undone the pain, mended all the fractures and even when all that is done, it will never be the same. I want to plant lavender in my yard and pretend there is eternity that I can physically connect with. 

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