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Confetti Bits

My best friend S had a bad dream about me recently and needed to talk it over. I can understand it - sometimes dreams can leave a bitter aftertaste that nothing else will wash-off. So we spent a couple of hours chatting one Sunday morning and she felt better. 

Something about the conversation left me struggling to return to the point where we had been from childhood until that Sunday. It was a line we had crossed together having that chat and now we were both on the other side of it. I did not seem to like it here or even find it comfortable. My friend that I knew and could count on without reservation was left behind somewhere on the other side of Sunday. 

I have tried time and again to chat with S, wash of this unfortunate event which was triggered by a bad dream but I feel rooted to my spot. I am not sure what this means but it does feel like we pressure tested our childhood relationship as middle-aged women and each side came out feeling differently. We had chosen to be in that alternate universe where time moved sluggishly - the density of memories being highest from the time we were together and declining over the years. 

That space was filled with confetti of nostalgia, idealizing each other to be far more perfect and wonderful than we really are. The Sunday morning chat dispersed all that happy, floaty stuff and replaced it with something cold, heavy and hard to shake off. I miss S, simpler uncomplicated times of early youth. Maybe there is a path back yet and someday, it will magically appear/

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