Skip to main content

Confetti Bits

My best friend S had a bad dream about me recently and needed to talk it over. I can understand it - sometimes dreams can leave a bitter aftertaste that nothing else will wash-off. So we spent a couple of hours chatting one Sunday morning and she felt better. 

Something about the conversation left me struggling to return to the point where we had been from childhood until that Sunday. It was a line we had crossed together having that chat and now we were both on the other side of it. I did not seem to like it here or even find it comfortable. My friend that I knew and could count on without reservation was left behind somewhere on the other side of Sunday. 

I have tried time and again to chat with S, wash of this unfortunate event which was triggered by a bad dream but I feel rooted to my spot. I am not sure what this means but it does feel like we pressure tested our childhood relationship as middle-aged women and each side came out feeling differently. We had chosen to be in that alternate universe where time moved sluggishly - the density of memories being highest from the time we were together and declining over the years. 

That space was filled with confetti of nostalgia, idealizing each other to be far more perfect and wonderful than we really are. The Sunday morning chat dispersed all that happy, floaty stuff and replaced it with something cold, heavy and hard to shake off. I miss S, simpler uncomplicated times of early youth. Maybe there is a path back yet and someday, it will magically appear/

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Part Liberated Woman

An expat desi friend and I were discussing what it means to return to India when you have cobbled together a life in a foreign country no matter how flawed and imperfect. We have both spent over a decade outside India and have kids who were born abroad and have spent very little time back home. Returning "home" is something a lot of new immigrants like L and myself think about. We want very much for that to be an option because a full assimilation into our country of domicile is likely never going to happen. L has visited India more often than I have and has a much better pulse on what's going on there. For me the strongest drag force working against my desire to return home is my experience of life as a woman in India. I neither want to live that suffocatingly sheltered existence myself nor subject J to it. The freedom, independence and safety I have had in here in suburban America was not even something I knew I could expect to have in India. I never knew what it felt t...

Under Advisement

Recently a desi dude who is more acquaintance less friend called to check in on me. Those who have read this blog before might know that such calls tend to make me anxious. Depending on how far back we go, there are sets of FAQs that I brace myself to answer. The trick is to be sufficiently evasive without being downright offensive - a fine balancing act given the provocative nature of questions involved. I look at these calls as opportunities for building patience and tolerance both of which I seriously lack. Basically, they are very desirous of finding out how I am doing in my personal and professional life to be sure that they have me correctly categorized and filed for future reference. The major buckets appear to be loser, struggling, average, arrived, superstar and uncategorizable. My goal needless to say, is to be in the last bucket - the unknown, unquantifiable and therefore uninteresting entity. Their aim is to pull me into something more tangible. So anyways, the dude in ques...

Carefree Wandering

There are these lines in Paul Cohelo's Alchemist that I love about the shepherd turning a year later to sell wool and being unsure if he would meet the girl there But in his heart he knew that it did matter. And he knew that shepherds, like seamen and like traveling salesmen, always found a town where there was someone who could make them forget the joys of carefree wandering. What is true of the the power of love and making a person want to settle is also true of  finding purpose in life. If and when a person is able to connect their work to purpose they care about, the desire for change disappears. They are able to instead channel that energy into enhancing the quality of the work they are already doing. As I write this, I remember S a brand manager I used to know a couple of decades ago. He worked for a company that made products for senior citizens, I was a consultant there. S was responsible for creating awareness of their new products and building awareness of what already ex...