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Trying Enough

I have been told my well-meaning family members that I need to try harder to stay in touch with people.  Lately, I have been taking action on that suggestion and making an effort to re-connect. For the most part it does not work. Sometimes there is a quick spark of rekindled friendship that is more light than warmth. Then things die down completely. 

My experiences past and present have brought home the realization that I have the emotional capacity to be a properly good friend to maybe four people total. That is all I can do with the resources I have. Those slots have been taken a long time ago by people I have known forever. There are those who have capacity for much more and they can replicate the quality of relationship I have with my microscopic set of people to a much larger group. It is no surprise the connections fade out for me and it is hard to restart them despite my "efforts". 

The quality is clearly lacking and the other person feels it. A few days ago, I congratulated V on her new job (new to me because I had not kept up with her - she has been there for over six months) after losing touch with her for close to four years. I lacked the patience to persevere with her as she juggled a complex set of issues in personal and professional life for years. At some point it must have become evident to V that while I was doing all the right things, there was no soul there. In a tough phase, soul is what really matters not the discrete actions you take. Its no surprise that V did not bother to reply - there is not much to say in this situation. It was a shot in the dark and she sees it as such. Best to gracefully accept my limitations and not strive to be who I cannot be. 

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