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Bleeding Wounds

The arrival, stay and departure of S is on my mind. I could have done it differently and there were many chances to recover but I did not use any of them. I just wanted him to know I had not sought his presence in my home and felt imposed upon. Yet, I have been his shoes two decades ago - a very different phase of life but much of what he is dealing with at sixty I did back then. A life upended by the implosion of a marriage, no financial safety net and a future with responsibilities looming ahead. J was less than a year old back then and his daughter is in her 20s but very far from being settled. S has responsibility for her even as he can barely fend for himself. Notwithstanding, I could not summon any compassion for his cause. Desperate people need lifelines - maybe the short stay at my home was one of such myriad lifelines he depends on. 

I came to realize that my outrage was borne out his lack of candor and manners. When I was in his shoes, I was at my most vulnerable - my cards were on the table, everyone knew exactly how desperate my situation was and how hard I was trying to climb out my hole. There were no secrets and no filters. If ever there was a time in my life I experienced being devoid of any and all ego, that was it. Very random people offered assistance in the form of connections and introductions to help me land on my feet. I made myself useful in non-monetary ways to my hosts (and it might have not been enough) because that was all I could do. I did not strut around like S like the world owes him, did not overcompensate for my failures with bad attitude. S chose to treat the host who had cooked him meals as if it were maid service doing the job she was paid by him to do. At V's I offered to cook any meal they would let me because I could offer free labor and I was desperate to do so to pay off my debt atleast some. 

I needed to to see some humility in S because my time as V's was the most humiliating experience of my life. My upset with S was borne from the fact that he did show a shred of appreciation for the favor he wrested from us by duplicity. By getting a free ride, he had opened up my twenty year old wounds to the point of raw, hurting and bleeding. 

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