The timing and sequence of the most vivid memories of the past can play tricks on my memory. A few nights ago, I woke up from the most peaceful dream I have ever had about P. For the first time since we broke up a year after college, I experienced closure. All that I had hoped would be true of our relationship but had not come to fruition in our time together, did in that dream. So much life has passed for both of us since then.
I am a completely different person now, unrecognizable even to myself though I hope P remained unchanged because life did not toss him around as furiously as it did me. There was another event that occurred around that time - my meeting J's father. We were introduced my aunt who knew his family. It was meant to be an exploratory conversation, C would call me on the phone and hopefully we would hit it off. Both families were in match-making mode at the time. I was one of his prospects as he was one of mine.
The gaping void left by the absence of P in my life made me receptive to anything that might fill that gnawing silence. C was charming, witty and had a way of drawing me out of myself. That first conversation lasted an hour and he asked if he could call again and we exchanged email addresses. The flurry of emails started almost at once and it did not stop until we got married. But that was far from a linear path - that first phone call to the wedding ceremony. I went through tremendous upheavals over a two year period and decided to marry C against my better judgement - it was a heady mix of infatuation and desperation. I was not able to be interested enough in anyone else that I met during that time and I wanted to have a baby because the clock was ticking deafeningly loud in my mind.
When I look fact from the sobriety of today's age and life experience both infatuation and desperation were unwarranted. It was almost like the die was cast that fateful moment that C made his first phone call and struck some deeply hidden chord that told my heart (and at the time I thought also my brain) that he is the one and no matter what evidence I receive the contrary I must persevere and so I did. The timeline of events has become a blur and maybe for the best because that would make my actions even harder to rationalize from my vantage point today.
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