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Remembering Youth

The first night in New York was suffocating. The combination of heat and stale smoke from the forest fires made it hard to stay outdoors. Inside the hotel, cut off the pulsing energy of the city that always drew me in, it felt pointless to even be here. I decided to brave the elements and go out for a walk. I have survived Kolkata in the high heat of August as recently as last year so how hard could this be. It was much worse than I imagined and I am still not sure why - that restless energy stayed with me for the rest of my stay. Falling asleep at night was hard unless I took long walks but the walks made me feel unwell after a while. One evening, I passed out quite suddenly. One moment, I was chatting with people around and the next I had was not there in the here and now. I had lost some time by the the time I came to.

All ended up being well and the next several days proceeded without event. But the sudden loss of control, the heat induced event left me feeling a great sense of unease. What about this city was making me so uncomfortable all times of day and night this time around. Was I imagining things being in the air that were not. Why were all those people in the train coughing - the man behind me had a hollow, rattling cough that stilled all the conversation around. Presumably, others were concerned too like I was. Yet, the locals carried on with their lives. I was a visitor for a week and I tried to emulate their example - acted like all was well and normal. 

New York and Seattle are the anchoring points for my coming to America experience. If the anchors start to come unmoored, then I don't feel like I am have ground beneath my feet in a figurative sense. The last few times I have been in Seattle, I have been overcome by melancholy over what it no longer is - a far cry from the first time ever I saw it over two decades ago. New York, specially this last time felt too far removed from my best, brightest memories of the city also from that time. My cousin M often drove us into the city in his trusty Ford Explorer. It was usually around dinner time that we went out. M had his favorite places he showed us, I tried my first Cosmo at M's favorite bar. 

It did not help my relationship with New York that M passed away suddenly in his 20s. It was a brutal blow for the whole family- we never got a chance to say good bye. His parents were not able to get him to the hospital on time as he had fallen sick abroad and his treatment was delayed past the point of no return. M's passing changed New York for me forever because my divorce followed soon thereafter. It used to be the three of us going out to the city together, M brought out the best in people and our meetings with him brought restorative energy to our struggling marriage.

Whenever I am back in New York, I try to reclaim those long ago days - the animated conversations, easy laughter and certainty about the future that can often be the territory of ignorant youth. 

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