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Inside Fold

This was written several weeks ago in hopes that it would help me make lasting change. Reading on the first day of the new year, I think the acting of writing did help and so I imagine with revisiting this day sometimes to make sure I remember 

It was one of those days when things start to get off the rails early and often. Had been restless all night from a cold that was threatening to get worse but did not actually - just ended up being steady threat that would not let up. I missed my breathing exercises and yoga stretches in the morning because there was no time left. It is only a fifteen minute routine that does not feel like anything at all until I skip. Its as if I forgot to lock my front door and a big storm barged into the house turning it upside down. That is how little control I seem to have on my mental state without assist. There were minor aggravations all day at work and I was coping the best I could. 

Around 4 pm, I had my last call with one of the most difficult teams I have to work with. It ended up being hard and hostile. Instead of staying calm as I normally like to do I started to act condescending in degrees and made it impossible for me and the other side to recover from the mess that we had both contributed in making. It is easy to see what the other side has been and continues to do wrong - there may even be a lot of truth to my perception in this case. But there is a lot that I am adding to the mix - in the way I respond to everything that comes at me from this inarguably difficult set of people.

I realized later that evening that I was failing to make progress because I was expecting them to act out and do their worst - just as everyone around expects them to do. They have built  a reputation that precedes them and you have your guard up expecting to fail if you don't fight. But at the end of the day, everyone goes home to a life that has nothing to do with work. Seen in that light we are all alike - we just attach different weights to things we consider important in our lives. 

At work, this group is extremely territorial and will resist anything and anyone that could be competing for their turf. It is how they find security in challenging and uncertain times - it is the source of their strong internal cohesion. They present a collective me against the rest of the world posture that signals to others that they will be impossible to work with. You fight the rest of the world and close ranks to do so. You most definitely do not want to collaborate with the enemy outside the fort. I wanted to break the cycle that has been a no-win one for a long time. Maybe ask to be let into the fold instead of being in the out group, part of rest of the world. 

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