It was over fifteen years ago when R said to me that I don't accomplish most things I want to because I have this great fear of succeeding at something which will then break my inner narrative. I have to admit I found that statement stingy and offensive but the fact that I remember it to this day proves he was right. The words he used to diagnose the situation were not the right ones and to be fair to him - this was not his profession - to help coach people out of their problems. He told me what he did as a friend and a well-wisher (he was both at the time). Life moved in mysterious way and he ended up being neither to me over time and his short and somewhat hurtful statement has been my reliable litmus test ever since.
If I am in a situation where I am looking for reasons to no go through with something, I have to ask myself if that is because I am afraid I might succeed and that puts me in a place where the rules become new and different in sense - which implies lesser control, lesser predictability. I did not quite connect the dots this way until reading this post. From a very young age, I have been someone who had almost no control of their situation - things in my home were turbulent as I was raised by parents who were terrible as a couple but did their best to maintain a "stable" family base for me. There was no knowing what kind of calamity would erupt when.
My first attempt at trying to give up control came about in my 20s when I decided that I would not interfere with the natural flow and order of things. This meant not saying no to things proactively - giving time a chance to do its thing and bring about natural resolution. Some truly bizarre outcomes came from this phase and then much later when R met me, I was as he described quite well.
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