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Regaining Charge

J was about ten when I experienced a series of hardships ballooning into an unmanageable mess. While I was able to keep our unit of two afloat, my batteries were completely drained and could not be recharged. It was a year-long struggle and every bit of energy I could summon up was spent in creating the facade of normal for the kid. I would wake up on time, make breakfast and get her ready for school. For that hour, I was the mom she had always known. Once she left the house, I curled back up in bed feeling the walls closing in on me. There was simply no way I could leave the bed and not feel horrible - this was my only safe place. It was an incredible blessing that my work was remote and our conference calls did not involve video. My laptop always sat on the nightstand in those days. So I would work from bed until it was time for me to prep a snack for J and pick her up from school. It was also the time, the I finally made my bed. The rest of the afternoon, I worked from the kitchen table so J would see normalcy. 

We caught up on her day, she ate her snack and so on. After work, there were usually things to be done for J until it was her bedtime. I was back in my cocoon under the blankets, my brain refusing to still and calm for the night. This pattern continued for about six months, after which I was able to function out of the kitchen table from the beginning for the workday. A year later, I was reliably working out of my home office. In hindsight, I was in a disabled state for almost a year and without the flexibility my work afforded, there was no way I would have managed to stay employed. In my condition at the time, finding a new job and holding on to it might have proven impossible. It is thanks to my employer at the time, that J and I made it through that very difficult time, no permanent harm was done to either of us. Things could have gone very differently for both of us and I am even afraid to think about how badly it could have all ended. Reading about mandatory return to office mandates always reminds me of that time. Some people will have very tragic outcomes because of it, just like I could have back then. 

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