I met a former co-worker after a few years recently when I was in her hometown for work. R looked much the same but a lot had changed since I saw her last. She had suffered a miscarriage right around that time and suddenly it made sense how she always looked sad. It did not feel appropriate to ask her about it because these conversations are awkward unless in person. I felt contrite that I had not reached out, been more present in the life of a colleague I really liked. She spoke of feeling trapped and in a rut in her job, not seeing any prospects for moving forward and not being able to decide if she wanted a baby. I hope I was able to give her some guidance based on my own life lessons given I am much older than her. Removing the problem that was most draining on her and impacting her personal life should be the first priority I said.
If she is staying out of loyalty she should know that she and everyone else is no better than commodity that will be dumped out whenever required. Loyalty should be a two-way street and in her workplace it absolutely was not. She laughed about how such loyalty is like her first serious relationship that lasted a decade and turned completely toxic half way through. R stayed on because she had invested time and effort and was trying to recoup something. In hindsight that was a bad idea and also a lesson that transfers well to her situation at work -she is being that girlfriend again, wasting the years on her life where nothing can be recouped. I hope I will see R in a much better place all around next time I see her - hopefully a mother as she clearly wants to be and is just afraid to wish for what is so dearly desired.
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