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Unwanted Wishes

I had the amusing experience of S (one of my best friends from high school) call me on International Women's Day to ask if it was okay for him to wish me on the occasion. He was concerned I would be offended and consider such action pejorative. As it turns out he had seen a flurry of angry exchanges between folks (we both knew from back in the day) when men had wished women.

S was very sure there was no ill-will from the men but their felicitations were very poorly received. We chatted for a bit, caught up on things but S was not sure he would risk congratulating any other women that day - too stressful and not worth the trouble. I told S I would not be receptive to wishes from random guys (people I work with or know socially etc.) because chances are I am dealing with a man who makes it difficult for me to negotiate the world as a woman. 

Being wished on Women's Day by a man of this ilk would feel like insult upon injury - I would be unhappy. For this to work and not become a problem, the man in question should have established his credentials as a friend and ally a long time ago. He should have consistently demonstrate he treats women respectfully and is not intimidated by those who are stronger and better than him in more than one way. He treats the women in his life the way we would want men our lives to treat us. S checks all those boxes and coming from him, such wishes are not controversial. But he was right to fear that he might not get so lucky the next time and would trigger someone to climb on their feminist soapbox.

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