My friend L has two kids of her own and two step children of which I she likes very much but still can't claim to love. Her own kids have posed more than their fair share of challenges to her and she struggles with them. No one is perfect here, no one has any illusions of being perfect - not L, not her husband and none of the four kids in the mix. This is a situation this set of people have landed themselves into - some of their own volition and others not quite. L told me once, that her own kids at flawed and complicated as they are a product of whatever she was able to make of them given the circumstances of her life - marrying too young, staying with the wrong man for far too long and so on.
For better or worse she had an active role in how they were raised. With the step-kids that is the single biggest missing piece - they are the product of some other couple's parental framework, she mostly does not agree with the decisions they made regarding their kids. This is not to say all her decisions were perfect and flawless but she made them and is willing to stand by them. She has no desire to take ownership of mistakes that were not precipitated by her. She wants them magically fixed so its not her problem. Is that fair? Probably not but it is how real-life works.
That chat with L got me thinking of imperfect things we own that have sentimental value. If that sentimental value were dissociated with those things, their flaws could prove terminal and fatal. Maybe such is the case with kids and step kids. The flaws being equal one comes with a huge about of sentimental value and near infinite goodwill whereas the other is lacking both. So it is hard to make things whole never mind equitable.
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