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Setting Limit

My friend S moved back in with her parents to support them in their old age and failing health. While at first the reorganization of their lives in the new household structure was stressful, things settled in about a year. S tells me that she feels a sense of comfort being around them and doing things for them that she had missed for decades. This trip back home is for her more than it is for them. I cannot relate to her experience at all. It has never been easy for me to spend time with my parents since I left home for college. The longer I have stayed away, the harder it is when I return to visit. I would love to experience what S has with her parents. Knowing her, she is likely the one doing most if not all the work in that relationship. 

She is the kind of person who will do what it takes and does not expect others to do their part. Having no expectations she is not upset or disappointed by their failure to perform. I have observed my other friend D try to escape her needy, adult children time after time because they refuse to unlatch from her. She craves freedom and a chance to live a few unencumbered years with her husband. After a many attempts to get herself some space from her kids, D has finally given up. She is raising a couple of grandkids instead of enjoying retirement. The kids are bouncing in and out of her life non-stop. 

D used to complain about these things back in the day when she still dreamed of freedom but not anymore. Reading this paper made me think of S, D and myself. The relationship between parents and their adult children is complicated and the can range from being joyful to suffocating. Who is expected to the work to make such a relationship work well - I believe it is the responsibility of the adult child. S is an example one could be inspired by - she has done it right and everyone is a beneficiary. But it comes at a great cost to whoever is doing uneven and therefore unfair amount of work - S and D both are I would say are the ones doing the heavy lift. One as as the adult child and the other as the parent of adult children. In my family no one is particularly doing any work and consequently no one is paying an undue price - my parents or I. One could look upon situations like mine as good or bad depending on the person's values. 

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